Letting Go
by Dulcineah
Summary: Pure angst and melodrama. After Marissa's death, Ryan has trouble dealing with his guilt. Can the Cohens help him before it's too late? Chapter 19 up.
1. 1

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not a single one of them.

Author's notes: This is my first venture into OC fanfiction, so I'm a bit nervous about this. This will likely be ninety percent melodrama, but I have a fondness for Angsty!Ryan and am a sucker for soap opera-ish plots. Please let me know if this is worth continuing, seeing as I've never written for these characters before. Thanks for reading.

Oh, and this story deals with a lot of dark themes, including death and suicide, so consider yourself warned.

* * *

Letting Go

By Dulcey

_I feel just like I'm sinking_  
_And I claw for solid ground  
__Pulled down by the undertow  
__Never thought I could feel so low  
__Oh darkness, I feel like letting go_

_--Sarah McLachlan, "Full of Grace"_

The goodbyes had been harder than he realized.

First had been the day before yesterday, at the airport with Kirsten and Seth. Sandy was coming to Boston College with him to help him move into his dorm room, while Kirsten was going up to Berkeley with Seth. He still couldn't believe that he was actually going. College hadn't been something he had let himself think about in Chino, he'd never even been out of California, and then he had stolen a car and met the Cohens and now he was about to fly clear across the country to spend four years at a university.

Of course, the moving across the country part had been his idea. He had a feeling that the Cohens would have preferred that he had stayed close, gone to UCLA or USC, or Berkeley with Seth. To be honest, he had liked the sound of that, but after graduation and the funeral, he knew he needed to get away, the farther the better. Boston was far, it was a good school, and he had been accepted. It had almost been too easy to get Sandy and Kirsten to agree.

Ryan drew in a ragged breath as he thought about his goodbyes to Kirsten and Seth two days ago. Kirsten had packed a bag of snacks for him for the flight (none of them homemade, thankfully) and hugged him for so long that he started to think that he would miss his flight if she didn't let go soon. But he had hugged her back, and told her that he loved her when she finally let go of him. He had hugged Seth, and told him "See you, brother". Seth knew that he loved him, and besides, it would have embarrassed the shit out of both of them if Ryan had actually said it right there in the airport.

He had never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, and it had definitely felt weird being so affectionate to Kirsten and Seth, and to Sandy when he had seen him off at Logan that afternoon. But the truth was, he loved all of them and he wanted to let them know that before he left. Give them a nice final memory, something to hold onto in his absence.

And now here he was, alone in a city where he didn't know a soul, just like he'd been planning for months now. For three months he had waited, put on an act for the Cohens so they wouldn't suspect what was really going on in his head. He had pulled it off admirably well, masking the darkness in his head without overcompensating and acting too okay, too fine. No one had suspected a thing, and he almost felt hurt by that.

Almost, but not quite. Besides, it would be easier if it were true, if they didn't care about him as much as he thought they did. It would still upset them, he knew, but they would get over it.

_It should have been you, Ryan! You should be the one it happened to!_ The familiar voice hissed inside his head.

_Don't worry, Julie,_ Ryan thought. _You'll get your wish_.

He closed his eyes and thought about graduation night, how Marissa had gotten drunk and how he had insisted that she give him her keys and let him drive her home. How she had refused, slapping his face when he tried to pry them out of her hand. He had given up, let her drive away but driving home the next morning, he had passed a slew of police cars and a familiar-looking SUV, and somehow knew that Marissa was dead, even before he and Seth arrived home and Sandy and Kirsten were waiting to tell them the bad news.

At the funeral, Julie Cooper had cornered him and told him, in words that were dripping with venom, that if there had been any justice in the world, it would have been Ryan who was being buried that day. That he had caused Marissa nothing but pain and that she would be alive today if it hadn't been for him, and she would never forgive him for this. Julie backed off when she saw Kirsten approaching them, and when his foster mother asked him later if Julie had said anything to upset him, he had lied and said she was just upset over Marissa.

Julie had been right, though. Marissa would have been alive if he had been firmer and not let her take off in her car when he knew she'd had too much to drink. It was his fault that she was dead, and there was no way he could make anyone understand that. He had planned his suicide carefully, waiting patiently until he was far enough away so that none of them would be the ones to find his body. He would spare them that, at the least. He had said his goodbyes, and given them comforting last memories of him to hold on to. There was nothing left to do but slash his wrists with the razor he was now holding in his hand.

Part of him felt bad that his new roommate, whoever he was, would likely be the one to find him. Not bad enough, though. If he cared about something like that, it would mean that he didn't really want to die, and Ryan was fairly certain that death was exactly what he wanted.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. A single tear slid down his cheek. He summoned his courage, then slashed angrily with the razor down the length of his arm. It didn't hurt as much as he'd thought it would. He changed hands and repeated the action, then sank down on his bed as the blood began to flow out of him. He thought of the Cohens one last time before sinking into darkness.


	2. 2

Disclaimer: Still not mine. All I have to my name is my cat, who I'm not giving up to anyone, and my huge mass of student loans, who I'd be happy to give to anyone who wants them.

Author's notes: Wow, thanks for the reviews! It makes me ridiculously happy to know that people are reading this and that they like it, especially since I've never written for these characters before and this is all a bit new to me. Thanks for your support and I hope this next chapter doesn't disappoint!

* * *

Sandy had a feeling something was wrong. He had no evidence for his fears, but eighteen years of parenting had given him a fairly accurate sense of when things were amiss. Things were more than amiss this time, they were wrong, frighteningly wrong. But he had no evidence for it, nothing that couldn't be chalked up to the perfectly normal, understandable worries that every father has when he sends his sons off to college.

Of course, things hadn't been exactly normal lately. Marissa Cooper's tragic death on graduation night had shaken the entire community. Everyone who had known her had been forced to ask themselves how they could have missed the warning signs, why no one had noticed that her drinking had gotten so out of control. Ryan and Marissa hadn't been close in years, but the kid had a bit of a hero complex, and Sandy knew that he had to be beating himself up for not being able to save her. He and Kirsten had tried to get him to talk to them about Marissa, and offered to find him a counselor if he felt more comfortable with that. Ryan had politely turned down their offer, instead deciding to attend college in Boston in the hope of getting away from everything and making a fresh start.

It had sounded perfectly understandable at the time, but Sandy was beginning to have doubts. Something didn't feel right, and he hoped desperately that he was wrong.

Kirsten picked him up at the airport, and they went out for dinner before returning home. The house seemed unusually large and quiet with the absence of Ryan and Seth, and Sandy opted to go to bed early, hoping that everything would feel more normal in the morning.

He woke to the shrill ring of the telephone. Kirsten reached for the receiver as he rubbed his eyes and glanced at his alarm clock. One eighteen in the morning. The anxious feeling in his stomach intensified. No one ever called this late at night with good news.

"He what?" The fear in Kirsten's voice confirmed his fears. She was trembling, and Sandy slid his arm around her shoulders. "When did this happen? Is he all right?" She looked terrified, but her voice was steady, and Sandy knew how hard she was fighting to hold herself together. "Of course. We'll be there as soon as we can."

She hung up and turned to Sandy. "That was someone from Boston General Hospital. Something's happened to Ryan."

He held her close to him, trying to keep the panic from overwhelming him. "What happened? Is he okay?"

Kirsten shook her head. "They don't know...they said he's stable for now, but he lost a lot of blood. She just said there was an accident and the doctor would tell us everything when we got there. Sandy, what if—"

He put a finger to her lips. "He'll be okay, Kirsten. Ryan's a survivor. He can get through this."

Kirsten got out of bed and began to throw on her clothes. "We have to get to Boston, Sandy. Can you call the airlines while I get our..." She broke off as the thought occurred to her. "We have to tell Seth. How are we going to tell Seth?"

"I'll take care of it," Sandy assured her. "You go to Boston, I'll call Seth and get him back down here, and we'll fly out and meet you and Ryan at the hospital."

She nodded, and attempted to pull herself together. "All right."

"Ryan will be fine," Sandy tried to assure her.

He hoped to God he was right.

* * *

The first flight to Boston left LAX at six a.m., and was full of men in suits on their way to or returning home from business meetings. Kirsten stared blankly out the window as the plane rumbled through the sky, afraid of what she might find when she saw Ryan and afraid that whatever had happened was somehow her fault.

She loved Ryan like he was her flesh and blood. He was just as much a part of her as Seth was, but it hadn't always been like that. She hadn't trusted him at the beginning, had been wary of the juvenile delinquent Sandy had brought home out of the blue. She loved him now, but she hadn't always, and part of her was afraid that Ryan's accident was some sort of punishment for her not wanting him at first.

Ryan had brought so much to their lives. It was impossible for Kirsten to imagine her family without him. It would be like someone had torn a huge, gaping hole in her heart, an injury that would never fully heal. She tried to remember what Sandy had told her. Ryan was strong. Ryan was a fighter. If anyone could pull through, it would be him.

Kirsten wondered if Ryan knew just how much he meant to them. She hoped that he realized how loved he was, and promised herself that when he got better, she would never let him forget it.

When the plane finally landed, she bolted outside and leapt into the first cab she saw. She called Sandy on the way to the hospital, and got his voice mail. Same thing with Seth, which hopefully meant that the two of them were on their way to Boston at that moment. She paid the cabbie with a fifty dollar bill, waved aside her change, and hurried inside the hospital.

"Can you tell me where I can find Ryan Atwood?" she asked the receptionist, a girl who didn't look much older than twenty-one. "Is he all right?"

The girl typed something into her computer and nodded at Kirsten. "He's on floor three. Psychiatric."

"Psychiatric?" Kirsten furrowed her brow. "That doesn't sound right."

The girl shrugged. "That's all I can tell you, but someone up there should be able to help you."

Kirsten thanked the girl and took the elevator up to the third floor, wondering why on earth Ryan would be on the psychiatric ward. There had to be some mistake, but she could sort that out later. Right now, the only thing she cared about was seeing Ryan and knowing that he would be all right.


	3. 3

Author's Notes: I'm completely blown away by these reviews! It makes me happier than I can say that people like this story so much. I hope this chapter answers some of the questions about what's going to happen to Ryan (don't worry, I won't kill him!) and I apologize for it's not being longer, but I've been writing my dissertation proposal this week, so I haven't had as much time to work on my other, more important work, such as this story. ;) If anyone wants to write my proposal for me, then I'll be able to work much more on this story. Any takers?

Thought not. Darn.

* * *

When she got to the third floor, she gave her name to the receptionist for that floor, and was told that Ryan Atwood wasn't permitted to have any visitors as of yet, but she would call Ryan's doctor and let him know that she was here.

By this time Kirsten was practically going out of her mind with frustration and worry. It seemed like no one here could tell her how Ryan was, or why he was in with the psychiatric patients. The aide told her to take a seat, and Ryan's doctor should be with her in a moment. And before long, the doctor arrived, shaking Kirsten's hand and introducing himself as Dr. Brennerman, the chief psychiatrist for the hospital. "And you must be Ryan's mother, I assume?"

Kirsten nodded. "Well, not biologically. He's my foster son, but my husband and I love him as if he were our own." She gave the doctor a pleading glance. "Do you think I can see him?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Dr. Brennerman advised gently. "Ryan's under a lot of sedation right now, and he's going to have a rough time of things when he wakes up from it."

"Why did you sedate him?" Kirsten asked, confused. "Why is he in this ward, for that matter?

"Mrs. Cohen, why don't we step into my office and I can tell you what I know about Ryan's condition so far?"

"I want to see him first," Kirsten insisted. "I'll talk to you as much as you want, but I'm not going anywhere until I see my son."

"All right," the doctor gave in. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt if you peeked into his room for a moment."

He led Kirsten down the hall, stopping near the end of the hall and quietly opening a door. "Just a little look," he whispered to Kirsten. "You can see him for longer after we've talked."

Kirsten nodded and stepped quietly in the room. At first glance, Ryan appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Then she realized that his lower arms were wrapped in bandages, and that his wrists were locked in restraints. She wanted to release them, and to smooth his hair and cover his face with kisses. But now clearly wasn't the time for that, so she settled for dropping a kiss on his forehead and whispering that she was here for him, and Sandy and Seth were on their way.

"Why are you using restraints on him?" Kirsten asked the doctor. "Is that really necessary?"

"In this case, I'm afraid it is. They will likely be removed after a day or so, but your son made a very serious attempt on his life. We don't like to take chances in cases like Ryan's."

"He what?" Kirsten whispered, her face draining of color. "Ryan wouldn't try to kill himself."

"Why don't we continue in my office?" Brennerman suggested. Kirsten nodded acceptance, and followed him into his small office down the hall. Brennerman sat down at his desk across from her. "Mrs. Cohen, Ryan was found by his suitemates at his college. He was unconscious when they found him, but everything we know indicates that he tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists with a razor blade."

"Oh my God," Kirsten whispered, tears springing to her eyes.

"Did Ryan seem depressed in the last few weeks?"

She shook her head. "I don't know if I'd call it depressed. An old girlfriend of Ryan's died in a car accident at the beginning of the summer, and Ryan seemed a bit down because of that. They hadn't dated in a long time, but Marissa had a bit of a self-destructive streak and Ryan always wanted to protect her from that. Ryan seemed down after the accident, but I thought he was just upset about Marissa. I never thought he would do anything to hurt himself."

"It's easy to miss the warning signs," Brennerman tried to assure her. "Especially if the child has always been quiet and doesn't often talk to anyone when something is wrong."

Kirsten nodded. "That's Ryan."

"I'm going to be honest with you, Mrs. Cohen," the doctor told her. "Most suicide attempts are superficial, a cry for help, if you will. Ryan was obviously asking for help, but his attempt was a very serious one. He's going to be all right physically, but unless something changes for him, chances are that he'll try again in the future."

By now the tears were flowing freely down Kirsten's cheeks. "Is there anything we can do?"

Brennerman offered her a box of Kleenex. "There's a lot we can do, starting with getting Ryan into therapy. I understand your family isn't from Boston?"

Kirsten shook her head. "We live in California. Ryan was coming to Boston to go to college here."

"I'd strongly recommend keeping him here on our inpatient ward for awhile," the doctor advised. "We have an excellent psychiatric staff and Ryan will receive first-rate treatment."

"I don't know," Kirsten pondered. "I don't think Ryan would want to stay here any longer than he has to. And don't you need his permission since he's over eighteen?"

"Ordinarily, yes, but since Ryan's behaviors indicate that he may be a danger to himself, he isn't competent right now to make a decision like this. If you and your husband give your consent, Ryan would be able to stay here and get the treatment he needs."

"How long are we talking about?" Kirsten asked. "I don't want my son to be locked up forever."

Brennerman chuckled. "Mrs. Cohen, long-term hospitalization is very rare these days. Our average inpatient hospitalization time is about a week, during which time we would get Ryan stabilized, do some psychological testing and work out which treatment plan would be best for him. After he's released, we have some excellent outpatient programs, or if you wanted to take him home to California with you, I could talk with some colleagues to find a treatment program near where you live."

"It sounds like it might help," Kirsten admitted, "but I need to talk to my husband about this before we decide anything."

"Of course," Brennerman agreed. "Is he coming as well?"

Kirsten nodded. "He and our son Seth are on their way right now."

The doctor smiled. "I'm glad to see that Ryan has a family who cares so much about him. It'll be a huge advantage for him."

"Can I see him again?" Kirsten pleaded. "I want to be there with him."

Brennerman nodded. "Of course."

The doctor escorted her back to Ryan's room, and left her with a warning that Ryan had been through a lot, and not to be too upset if he was irritable or angry when he woke up. Left alone, Kirsten settled down in the chair beside Ryan's bed and watched her son sleep. He looked so pale, and she couldn't help wondering how he had gotten so desperate, or if there was anything she or Sandy could have done if they'd known.

"Oh, Ryan," she whispered, and in spite of her previous resolution not to break down, she began to cry.


	4. 4

Author's Notes:

This chapter goes out to AgnesSophia and Misty-Kid, who asked for Ryan/Sandy interaction and whose reviews never fail to make me smile. I hope this lives up to your expectations.

* * *

Sandy knew that the news was bad the moment he saw Kirsten. Her face was drawn and tired, and her eyes were red, as if she'd been crying. The anxious churning in his stomach intensified.

Seth's eyes widened in shock at his mother's listless appearance. "Mom, Ryan's okay, isn't he?"

"Of course he is," Kirsten tried to assure him. "His doctor assured me that he's out of danger."

Seth brightened. "That's great! How soon does he get out of here?"

Kirsten bit her lip and cast a nervous glance at Sandy. "I'm afraid it's a little complicated, Seth."

"Why is it complicated?" Seth persisted. "Ryan was in an accident, but he's going to be okay and he'll come home."

"What's wrong with Ryan?" Sandy questioned gently. "Did he break something?"

Kirsten sighed. "Maybe you and Seth should sit down for this."

"Mom, what is it?" Seth insisted. "Whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

"Well, the doctors aren't one hundred percent sure, because they haven't been able to talk to Ryan yet," Kirsten began. "But they're pretty certain that Ryan's injuries are the result of a suicide attempt."

Seth shook his head vehemently. "No way. Ryan wouldn't do that. I know he wouldn't."

Sandy could see his wife struggling to maintain her composure for Seth's sake. "Maybe he didn't," she tried to assure Seth. "But even if it turns out to be true, there's a lot that can be done for Ryan, and he's going to need us to be there for him."

"Can we see him?" Sandy asked.

"He can only have one visitor at a time, and only for five minutes, but yes," Kirsten answered. "He sleeps most of the time, but I think he might have opened his eyes for a moment the last time I saw him."

"Okay," Sandy nodded. "So who do I need to talk to in order to see him?"

* * *

Ryan slept fitfully, with brief returns to consciousness followed by immediate dropoffs back into slumber. He felt disoriented and vaguely aware that something was wrong. There was something he didn't want to remember, something he had done that had gone wrong. It was starting to come back to him now. The throbbing in his wrists. The bright red splatters of blood, and the darkness that had swallowed him.

Except now the darkness had given him up. He had failed.

Ryan opened his eyes and immediately squinted against the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights. He tried to shift positions but found that his arms and legs wouldn't obey. He tugged his arms, only to meet with an stab of pain in his wrists.

He was in the hospital, Ryan deduced. That much seemed certain. He was in the hospital and something was holding down his arms and unless he was mistaken, he was in a world of trouble.

Someone else was in the room. Ryan turned his head, and got a sick feeling in his stomach when he saw that it was Sandy. The older man looked pale and tired, and Ryan knew that it was his fault. He didn't want to face the only real father he'd ever had after disappointing him like this.

Ryan tried to turn away and pretend to be asleep, but he was a split second too late as Sandy's eyes met his. "Hi," Sandy whispered. "How are you feeling?"

"How do you think I feel?" Ryan snapped. He wasn't really mad at Sandy, but he was furious with himself and seeing as he was tied to the bed and couldn't do anything else, Sandy was the only target he had.

"I can talk to someone about getting those restraints off," Sandy offered, trying not to panic at Ryan's angry reaction. Of course the kid was angry. He's depressed and restrained and he feels completely trapped.

"That would be nice," Ryan relented. "I'm sorry."

Sandy shook his head. "You don't need to apologize."

He couldn't handle this. Not Sandy, or any of the Cohens. Not when he felt this low. "Sandy, don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather be alone right now." He regretted his words when he saw the hurt in Sandy's eyes, but he couldn't bring himself to take them back.

"All right," Sandy agreed quietly, rising from his chair. "But I'm not going away, Ryan, and neither are Kirsten or Seth. We're going to be right here with you every step of the way."

Ryan shook his head. "You don't have to do this."

"Yes, we do," Sandy insisted. "Families stick together. End of discussion." He started for the door, then turned around. "Get some rest, Ryan. I'll see you tomorrow."

Ryan could tell there would be no flexibility on the issue. It might have been his imagination, but he felt a little better.


	5. 5

Author's Notes:

I don't know about everyone else, but I'm going crazy with anticipation between waiting for the DVDs to come out and the many, many promos that Fox keeps playing. I've waited all summer, but these last two weeks are by far the worst.

Storymom—I am such a huge fan of yours, and I got giddy when I read your review. I love your stories an unhealthy amount. And when are you updating Chicken Pox?

HateToSayIToldYouSo—Ditto with you and Don't Let Go. That's one of my favorite OC fanfics, and it makes me happy that you like my story.

OCLover1 (Ally)—Thanks for your faithful reviews. I love your comments.

Misty-Kid—I love Ryan/Sandy interaction like whoa. I started watching the show for Peter Gallagher and got totally sucked in, and the relationship between those two is my favorite part of the show.

Sara—Ryan tied to the bed is always a good thing. Or even just Ryan in bed. ;)

AgnesSophia—I agree with everything. Ryan as a father would be adorable, but when he's older and can legally drink alcohol.

Becca—Thanks, and I hope this is updating soon enough for you.

* * *

"Sandy?" Kirsten mumbled, resting her head against her husband's shoulder.

Sandy smoothed her hair back and rested his cheek against her forehead. "It's going to be okay," he tried to assure her. "We're going to make it through this."

"God, will you guys quit it?" Seth exclaimed. "This is all just a big mistake! There's no way Ryan would try to kill himself!"

"Maybe it is, Seth," Kirsten told him gently, "but from everything we know, it was a suicide attempt, and if it was, remaining in denial about it isn't going to help Ryan."

Seth shook his head. "This is bullshit. Ryan's not suicidal."

He spun around and walked away swiftly down the hospital corridor. Kirsten moved to go after him, but Sandy touched her arm gently.

"Let him go," he told her. "He just needs some time to come to terms with this. He'll come back when he's ready."

"Do you think this is my fault?" Kirsten asked softly. "For not wanting him when he first came home with you?"

Sandy hugged her to him. "Don't ever say that, Kirsten. Ryan loves you. And he knows that you love him."

"Then why didn't he come to us?" Sandy could hear the tears in her voice. "Why didn't he trust us to be there for him?"

"I don't know," Sandy admitted. "Ryan's had a rough life. There are some incidents in his file that should never happen to any child. Two years with us wouldn't be enough to erase everything that happened before."

"His doctor wants to keep him in here for at least a week longer," Kirsten told her husband. "I told him I'd have to talk about it with you."

Sandy frowned. "Were his injuries that serious?"

Kirsten shook her head. "They think that if they can stabilize him a bit more here before we take him home, he won't be as likely to try again."

Sandy winced. It was hard enough to think about Ryan attempting suicide once, let alone trying it again. "What do you think?"

"I hate to keep Ryan here any longer than he has to be," Kirsten answered, "but I think the doctor might be right."

Sandy closed his eyes and remembered the flatness in Ryan's voice, the look of defeat in his eyes. Ryan wouldn't be happy about having to stay in the hospital for an extra week, but then again, Ryan wasn't exactly the best judge right now of what he needed. "Will they let us visit him while he's here?"

Kirsten nodded. "Six to nine on weekdays, ten till two on weekends."

"All right," Sandy gave in. "It's only a week, and if it helps Ryan, then that's what we need to do."

"Ryan's not going to be happy," Kirsten warned. "Neither will Seth, I'm afraid."

"That's the hard part about being parents," Sandy sighed. "We have to make all the unpopular decisions."

"Just as long as Ryan will be okay," Kirsten agreed.

Sandy hugged her again. "He will be."

* * *

It was a long, long night for Ryan. He would frequently bolt awake from nightmares that he couldn't remember, gasping and sweating, unable to remember what had frightened him so badly. A nurse came by at seven o'clock to give him some pills, which he accepted obediently without questioning what they were. She undid his restraints and let him get up to pee while she stood guard outside the bathroom door. It would have been humiliating if he didn't feel so empty. He had no energy left to fight. He just didn't care anymore.

His doctor came by half an hour later, while Ryan was picking at the breakfast tray his nurse had brought him. He wasn't hungry, but he sensed that it would make things easier for him if he complied without protest. The food was lousy and he had to eat with a plastic spoon, and even then he had to have an aide in the room with him. As if anyone could commit suicide with a plastic spoon.

"Hi, Ryan," the doctor greeted him. "I'm Dr. Brennerman."

Ryan forced down a mouthful of cottage cheese. "Hi."

"The food's awful, isn't it?" Brennerman asked. "I'm afraid the cliché about hospital food is true around here."

Ryan shrugged. "It's all right."

"How are you feeling today, Ryan?" the doctor inquired. "Do you feel up to meeting with me later this morning?"

"I guess," Ryan agreed. He privately didn't see much good it would do, but if he played along, he might be able to get out of here sooner.

"Great!" Brennerman agreed. "And afterwards, your family will be here and I thought we could all meet and talk together for awhile."

Shit. Ryan couldn't think of anything he would enjoy less. He didn't think he could face the Cohens and tell them why he had fucked up so badly. He had taken everything they had given him and thrown it back in their faces. He didn't even know why they were here.

"I know it's scary," the doctor assured him. "Facing the people you love after something like this is never easy. But your family loves you, and all they want is for you to get better."

Ryan recalled the fear and sadness he'd seen in Sandy's eyes the night before, and how hurt he had looked when Ryan had asked him to leave. Sandy and Kirsten and Seth had all given him so much, and the least he could do was see them this morning. "All right," he agreed. "I'll come."

* * *

It was nine thirty when Kirsten and her family arrived back at the hospital. She and Sandy had talked with Ryan's doctor the previous night, and Brennerman had suggested that they all meet together the following morning to decide on a treatment plan for Ryan. He still felt that short-term hospitalization would be the best route to take at the moment, but stressed that it was important that Ryan felt he was a part of the process.

Ryan was already in Brennerman's office when they entered. He looked healthier today, but he was curled up at the end of the sofa and her heart beat painfully as she saw how fragile and frightened he looked. Without thinking, she sat down next to him on the sofa and folded her arms around him, feeling his body trembling slightly. Ryan didn't return the embrace, but he didn't pull away either and when she let him go he gave her a small smile.

"Hi, Ryan," Seth offered nervously. "They treating you okay here?"

"It's okay," Ryan shrugged, but the look in his eyes clearly said how happy he was to see his brother. "Better than juvie." He turned his attention to his foster father. "Hi, Sandy."

"Hi," Sandy answered. Kirsten knew her husband wanted to hug Ryan as she had done, but he settled for a light clap on the shoulder. "It's good to see you up and about."

"So..." Ryan began nervously. "When do I get out of here?"

Sandy and Kirsten exchanged anxious glances. They had no idea how Ryan would react to the idea of spending another week in the hospital. Seth had become extremely agitated when they had told him the night before, and he was still giving them the silent treatment this morning. He kept insisting that Ryan was fine, that it was just a mistake and all he needed was to be home with his family. Kirsten wished that she could believe that, but she knew the problem was far more serious.

"Actually," Brennerman began, "it might be most helpful if you remained here at the hospital until next week. Then we can put together a treatment plan for you and you can resume therapy back home in California."

Seth rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. Ryan looked startled and glanced at Sandy and Kirsten. "Is this what you think?"

"It would only be for a week, Ryan," Kirsten tried to assure him. "And they have an excellent program here."

"We'll still be here for you, Ryan," Sandy added. "Like I told you last night, we're not going anywhere."

"Okay," Ryan agreed, but he shrank back further into the couch and Kirsten could tell that he was only doing this to make them happy.

But it was a start. She didn't care what had to be done as long as Ryan got better.


	6. 6

Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, there would be a mandatory dress code requiring Ryan to only wear towels. And there would be a lot more angst, and I'd have at least one episode dedicated to the Cohen/Atwood boys doing strip karaoke.

Author's Notes:

Whew! I apologize for taking longer to get this chapter up, but midterms and dissertation intervened. But the Red Sox won the World Series and I have the Season One DVDs, so I can't complain. I had no idea that Dr. Kim was in Freaky Friday! It kind of makes me hard to take her seriously when I picture her running a Chinese restaurant.

Leentje—Thanks for your reviews. I hope you didn't have to wait too long for this.

Controversyqueen—Aw, you don't get the DVDs yet? I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get them as soon as they come out. They would definitely be an awesome birthday present.

Storymom—I hear you about real life. I tend to ignore it in favor of writing fanfic, but I managed to get my dissertation proposal, well, not done but I made progress, and finished my midterms, so it shouldn't matter how much fanfic I write, right? But yes, I understand about real life pressures, so take your time and whenever you manage to update your wonderful story, I will be absolutely thrilled. And thank you again for your kind comments about mine. It makes me happy that such a wonderful writer is enjoying this.

OCLover1—Thanks again for your review. I'm really glad you like this.

HateToSayIToldYouSo—I know what you mean. The staff at Best Buy must think I'm a totally obsessed fan, although I guess they're right. Besides, I can handle some people thinking I'm insane if it means that I get my OC wonderfulness. ;)

Sara—I agree, Bondage!Ryan is way hot. ;)

Amber—Thanks for your comments. Angst does work well with Ryan, doesn't it? I do so love to torture him, but I promise he'll be happy eventually.

* * *

After the Cohens left, Ryan planned on retreating back to his room, maybe try to catch a quick nap. At this point, he figured that the easiest way out of this would be to keep to himself, keep from getting into any trouble. When he got back, he found that he'd been issued a set of standard psycho ward attire, green cotton pants and shirt and a pair of slippers. No shoelaces, no belt, nothing you could use to off yourself. Not that he planned on it. It took enough energy just being out of bed.

But still, the clothes were an improvement over the hospital gown. He thought about asking the Cohens to bring him some clothes when they came to visit, but he hated the thought of asking them for anything. They had spent thousands of dollars on him in the last two years, he had repaid them by breaking their hearts, and even now they were paying his hospital bills, which couldn't be cheap. They had done enough for him.

Ryan had changed and was just about to settle back into bed when a knock sounded at his door. He looked up as a youngish woman stepped into the room and held out her hand. "Hi Ryan," she greeted him. "I'm Dana. I'm the psychology intern for this ward."

Ryan raised an eyebrow. "An intern?"

"I know," she smiled apologetically. "I'll have my PhD at the end of next spring."

Ryan shrugged. "It makes no difference to me."

"Anyhow," Dana continued, smiling brightly, "I'm supposed to take you to do some testing. Do you need a moment to get ready?"

"I'm fine," Ryan answered. Play along, don't cause trouble, and he'd be out of here next week like they promised.

"Actually, we can do this here," Dana suggested, motioning toward the table and chairs by the window. The intern had brown eyes and long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, and she reminded him of Theresa a little, or maybe Theresa's older sister if she'd had one. "The testing will take most of the day today, I'm afraid, but you'll be starting individual and group therapy tomorrow. Oh, and I run an art therapy class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if you're interested."

"Okay," Ryan mumbled, trying to summon some enthusiasm. "Sounds cool."

"Sit down," Dana urged, sinking into one of the chairs and gesturing toward the other one. "I promise this will be painless."

Ryan gave her a skeptical look as he sat down. "Painless?"

"Okay, mostly painless," Dana amended. "No guarantees."

Ryan snorted. "That's comforting."

"Ryan, whatever you tell me stays between the two of us," Dana explained. "The only exception to this is if you told me you were planning on hurting yourself, or hurting someone else. Other than that, this is all confidential."

"You mean you won't tell the Cohens about what I say?" Ryan asked.

"Not exactly," Dana explained. "I'll be writing up a report tonight after we finish with this testing, so I'll write about what the tests results say about you, and any observations I have about your mood and how I think you're doing, but I ethically can't tell your family anything that you say to me unless I have your permission."

Ryan felt himself relax a little. This didn't sound too bad. "Okay."

"Good," Dana smiled. "Cause we've got a lot of work to do."

* * *

"You've got two options, Seth," Kirsten announced to her son. "You can come with me to buy clothes for Ryan, or you can go with your dad to shop for books and music."

"Clothes shopping?" Sandy echoed in mock horror. "Seth, son, you don't want to torture yourself like that."

Kirsten sighed. "Maybe I should let you buy clothes and I'll be in charge of books and music."

"Oh, no," Sandy protested, holding his hands up. "I wouldn't know where to start."

"Seth, come on," Kirsten pleaded. "I know you're upset about Ryan, but he needs our support right now."

Seth shook his head. "All Ryan needs is to get some rest. At home. I can't believe you agreed to lock him up."

"That's enough, Seth," Sandy barked. "Ryan isn't locked up, and your sulking isn't going to help him."

"Sandy, please." Kirsten put a hand on her husband's arm. "Why don't you go shopping for books, Seth can be in charge of buying CDs, and I'll buy clothes? We can all meet back here in two hours." She cast a glance at her son. "Sound okay to you, Seth?"

Seth shrugged. "I guess."

Sandy chose not to press things any further. "Wise choice," he tried to joke as he opened his wallet and handed Seth a handful of bills. "I wouldn't know where to start with music."

There was a trace of a smile on Seth's face as he took the money. "Yeah, your taste in music really sucks, Dad."

Sandy laughed and shook his head. "Get out of here. Be back in two hours."

"You know, Dad," Seth began, a mischievous look in his eyes, "Ryan might heal faster if he had his own X-Box."

"Nice try, Seth," Kirsten replied, but she was glad to see the old Seth returning, and she couldn't help smiling.

* * *

The Cohens showed up shortly after six. Ryan couldn't help feeling glad to see them, and even more so after he saw that they had brought food.

"Nice timing," he greeted them. "They serve dinner here at six thirty."

Kirsten frowned. "Well, if you'd wait and eat then, it's okay with us."

"Mom, are you crazy?" Seth argued. "Everyone knows that hospital food sucks."

"Here, Ryan." Sandy reached into the paper bag and handed him a burger. "No ketchup, extra onions."

Ryan couldn't help being impressed that the Cohens remembered how he liked his hamburgers. "Thanks."

"And we brought some clothes too," Kirsten added. "If you don't like them, I can exchange them tomorrow."

"Kirsten, it's okay," Ryan assured her. "It's fine. And thanks."

"So how was it today, Ryan?" Sandy asked. "They treating you okay?"

Ryan shrugged. "It was okay." Not bad, really, but he wasn't about to go that far. "I just took a lot of tests. They made me look at inkblots."

"No way," Seth shook his head. "They really do those?"

"Yeah." Ryan nodded. "It was a little weird, but not bad."

"We brought you books as well," Sandy added, handing a Barnes and Noble bag to Ryan. "Hopefully you haven't read all of these."

"Thank you," Ryan said automatically. He felt uneasy about the Cohens spending all this money on him, but he knew from two years of living with them that protesting usually yielded futile results. "These are great."

"And music too," Seth added, tossing another bag across the room to Ryan. "I tried to score you an X-Box, but The Kirsten shot me down."

Ryan grinned as he watched Seth and Kirsten bicker, while Sandy looked on in amusement. He thought about Marissa's suicide attempt, and how Julie had tried to send her away. Of course, he was in the hospital for another week, but the Cohens were here for him. They cared, and they weren't afraid to show their affection for him. He didn't deserve a family like this.

He pushed the thought out of his mind. Not tonight, he told himself. He wasn't naïve enough to believe that one good day signified the end of his problems. But it had been a good day all the same. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a good day.

He could definitely live with this hopeful thing.


	7. 7

Author's Notes:

Um, wow, this chapter took awhile. Not because of writer's block or anything, just real life getting in the way. Had an awesome weekend involving alcohol, drag kings, and the Boston Red Sox, but didn't get much chance to write.

This chapter is more depressing than the last one, mostly due to my own bleakness at facing another four years of Bush. But the new season starts tomorrow, so there's reason to hope.

Leentje—I was planning on doing some Ryan-in-therapy scenes while he's still in the hospital. I didn't get around to it in this chapter, but I definitely plan on having them soon.

Elzed—I can't begin to say how flattered I am that you like my story (and thanks for the rec at TwoP!). I'm addicted to the Chinos Redux, and I really enjoyed A Chino Dream as well. It's such a compliment to hear your favorite writers say that they like your story.

Tanya—I've never seen Smallville, so I had no idea that Adam Brody guest-starred. I find it hard to picture him as evil—he just seems too cute and dorky for that. The only other thing I've seen him in was when he was Lane's boyfriend Dave on Gilmore Girls.

HateToSayIToldYouSo—Speaking of favorite writers, I just read your first OC story, which I'd somehow missed, and absolutely loved it. I'm in awe of how well you know your characters. So now that you've finished that story so perfectly, maybe you'll have time to update Don't Let Go?

Melanie39—Thanks for all your reviews. I love the stories that you've written so far, and would love to see more from you as well.

* * *

The hopeful feeling lasted until the Cohens left at nine. Ryan was trying to distract himself with unpackaging his new Discman and CDs when the night nurse came in at nine ten with his medication. She took one look at the pile of CDs on the dresser and shook her head.

"Ryan, where did you get those?" she asked firmly.

Ryan felt annoyed by her use of his first name, but decided to let it go. "The Cohens brought them. That's okay, isn't it?"

The nurse shook her head. "I'm sorry, Ryan, but you're not allowed to have CDs on this ward. It's too dangerous."

He couldn't believe it. How was taking away his music and treating him like a little kid going to help him? He thought he had been very patient about the situation, all things considered, but he'd had enough. Tomorrow, he would see Dr. Brennerman and check himself out of this place. "Fine," Ryan answered shortly, picking up the CDs and shoving them toward the nurse. "But I'm not taking any more medications."

"Can I ask why?" his nurse asked, looking none too pleased. She looked like the no-nonsense type to him, sort of a modern-day Nurse Ratched. Ryan knew that crossing her wouldn't be the smartest move, but he was tired of passively submitting and playing along.

"I just don't want them," Ryan shrugged. "I don't think they're doing me any good, and I don't think this hospital is doing me any good."

Nurse Ratched looked even crosser than before, if that was possible. "Now, Ryan, am I going to have to call your doctor or are you going to take your medications like a good boy?"

"I'm not a boy!" Ryan snapped. "I'm over eighteen and you can't keep me here! So yes, call my doctor. I've had it with this place. I want out."

Nurse Ratched shook her head. "I'm afraid that's not an option, Ryan."

"Yes it is," Ryan insisted. "I'm over eighteen and I'm free to leave any time I want."

"Ryan, you made a very serious suicide attempt," Nurse Ratched informed him. "You're still a danger to yourself and it would be irresponsible and unprofessional to release you at this point in time."

"I'm not going to kill myself," Ryan insisted. "And besides, I'm an adult. You can't keep me here without my permission."

"I'm afraid that's not the case this time," the nurse told him. "Your family agreed with your doctor that you aren't capable of making decisions for yourself at this point in time, and they want you to remain here until we feel that you're doing better."

Ryan shook his head. "You're lying." She was, wasn't she? The Cohens wouldn't lock him up like this without his permission. That was something Julie Cooper would do, not Kirsten Cohen. Not Sandy, and definitely not Seth. They didn't think he was crazy...did they?

Nurse Ratched shook her head. "Your parents signed the papers to keep you here until next week. They only want what's best for you, Ryan."

Ryan felt like he'd been slapped. Dawn was always moody when she was coming off a bender, and there were times as a child when she'd laughed at one of his jokes one moment and suddenly slapped him the next. He felt that same mixture of surprise and hurt that he'd known as a kid. The same sense of betrayal.

"They care about you, Ryan," Nurse Ratched told him, her voice softening as she saw his stunned expression. "They wouldn't do this if they didn't love you."

Ryan shrugged and held out his hand for the medication. He didn't know how he was supposed to face the Cohens tomorrow, and all he wanted was to be able to not to think about this right now. The nurse dropped the pills into his hand as she told him that she was glad he was making the right choice. He washed them down with a cup of water and felt the sedation immediately kick in. Much better.

He climbed into bed and fell asleep.

* * *

Sandy and Seth were at the dorm the following morning at nine thirty sharp, despite Seth's insistence that no college student would ever be up that early. Sandy was adamant: Ryan's clothes and personal possessions needed to be retrieved and shipped back to California, and the sooner, the better. What Sandy didn't tell his son was that he was dreading this task most of all. This was where it had happened. He had helped Ryan move into his room, had taken him out to dinner and to a baseball game at Fenway Park, with Sandy unashamedly cheering on the Yankees while Ryan sided with the Red Sox. At the end of the game, with the Sox squeaking out a one-run win in extra innings, Ryan had shouted in triumph, Sandy had sulked, and on the spur of the moment, Ryan had dumped his cup of soda onto Sandy's head.

The boy had apologized an instant later, but there was a gleam in his eyes that made Sandy suspect that Ryan wasn't that sorry. Sandy hadn't minded. The clothes would be fine once they were washed, and there was something special about seeing Ryan do something spontaneous like that. Ryan had been so quiet and withdrawn all summer, and it was so good to see him having fun again.

The next day, Ryan had accompanied Sandy to the airport, hugged him goodbye in a rare display of affection, and returned to the dorm and cut open his wrists. Sandy had gone over and over those days in his mind, trying to pick up on clues he might have missed, any hints of what Ryan had been planning.

He still couldn't find any. Sandy didn't know whether to feel guilty or relieved.

Sandy and Seth were met in the lobby by a tall dark-haired boy who introduced himself as Ryan's suitemate Todd. Sandy wondered if this was the suitemate who had found Ryan, but didn't know how to ask. Even if he had been able to ask, he didn't know what he would have said next. Sandy Cohen wasn't often at a loss for words, and it would have been funny if it hadn't been so damn depressing.

Todd escorted Sandy and Seth upstairs and let them into the room that Ryan would have shared with his roommate, apologizing that he had class in ten minutes and couldn't stay. Sandy noticed that the boy seemed uncomfortable, and couldn't blame him. Todd was obviously shaken about what had happened, and a conversation with the family of your suitemate who tried to kill himself before school even started was bound to be awkward.

Ryan's side of the room looked just like Sandy remembered. The clothes were hanging neatly in the closet, and his books arranged on the bookshelf he and Sandy had bought the previous weekend.. The only difference was the bed, which had been stripped bare. Seth and Sandy stood awkwardly in the center of the room, uncertain as to what to do.

"So...this is weird," Seth noted. "Are you sure Ryan's not coming back here when he gets out of the hospital?"

Sandy sighed. "Seth..."

Seth held up his hands. "Sorry. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around this."

Sandy placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "I know it can't be easy for you. But Ryan needs us to be here for him right now."

Seth shook his head and began taking books off of the shelves. Sandy sighed and started to clear out Ryan's closet, taking the clothes off the hangers and laying them down onto the bed. He was on his third trip to the closet when his eye spotted a small red dot near the foot of the bed. He knelt down to get a better look, and froze as he realized what it was.

It was blood. Ryan's blood. Sandy turned away as he felt the nausea rise. He slid down onto the floor, bringing his knees to his chest. It was real. It hadn't been a mistake, or a bad dream. Something was terribly wrong with Ryan, and he hadn't come to him or to Kirsten. They had failed their son.

"Dad, are you okay?" Seth asked in concern, kneeling by his father. "What happened?"

Sandy wrapped his oldest son in a crushing embrace as he felt the first tear fall.


	8. 8

Author's Notes:

Leentje—I'm glad you liked my last chapter. Ryan will get better eventually, but there's a long, angsty road ahead of him.

Melanie39—hopefully this chapter is a little less depressing. Not that it could be described as happy, but I tried to make it less angsty than chapter 7. But I'm a firm believer that angst is a good thing, as long as it's interspersed with little bits of hope, and eventually has a happy ending.

Elzed—What can I say, I'm an evil, evil person. That, and I love brooding, angsty Ryan. And ConstructionWorker!Ryan, who was incredibly hot in the s2 premiere, but alas, I don't think there's room for that Ryan in this story. Although maybe I can have Scruffy!Ryan. Scruffy!Ryan is very, very hot.

Cfsoccer28—Thanks for your review. I always love hearing from people who enjoy my stories--it's a great feeling to know that people are reading what I write, and that they like it. I'm glad you like this so far, and hope this next chapter doesn't disappoint.

* * *

_He was ten years old again and his mom wouldn't wake up._

_Dawn was breathing, but just barely as Ryan shook her shoulder. His father had left for prison the week before and his mother had been alternately angry and distraught since his departure. She had been drinking heavily in the last couple of days, and when Ryan came home from school and found her asleep on the couch, he had merely assumed that she was sleeping off another binge. If he was honest with himself, he had been relieved. Ryan loved his mother, but since his father's departure, Dawn was much easier to be around when she was sleeping._

_It wasn't until that evening when Ryan finished his homework and emerged from his room that he noticed that his mother was still passed out on the couch. More concerning was the fact that she hadn't appeared to have moved in the past four hours. _

_Ryan hesitated for a few minutes, wondering whether to risk waking his mother. If Dawn was just taking a long nap, chances were she wouldn't be too happy at him for waking her. But his father had told him to take care of his mother, and besides, something didn't feel right to Ryan. _

_He shook Dawn's shoulder, gently at first, and then harder. Her breathing was shallow and labored, and Ryan grew more and more afraid. "Mom, wake up," he pleaded. "Please, wake up."_

_No response. He was gripping both of her shoulders at this point, watching as Dawn's head bobbed back and forth as he shook her with a strength he didn't know she had. Trey had barely set foot in the house since their dad had gone to prison, and Ryan had no idea where his brother was, or when or if he would be back. _

"_Wake up!" Ryan screamed at his mother. "Wake up, goddamnit!"_

_Dawn would have smacked him good if she'd heard him swear, but she merely moaned faintly as her breathing became more labored. Ryan was crying now, screaming every bad word he'd ever heard, and shaking her as hard as he could. It wouldn't do any good. His mother was going to die, and it would be all Ryan's fault._

_He looked at her and suddenly saw that it was Marissa he was shaking. Her body was limp in his grasp, and the labored breathing had stopped entirely. Ryan placed her gently back on the couch, but she was dead weight in his arms. He knew she was dead._

Ryan woke with a cry. His body was drenched with sweat and he was clutching his sheets tightly in his fists. It had been years since he had thought about that day when Dawn had almost died, but he could vividly the panic and helplessness he had felt. It hadn't even occurred to him to call 911—a neighbor had overheard his screams and called the police. Later on, at the hospital, a doctor had told Ryan that he had likely saved his mother's life.

That made him feel even worse. He hadn't done anything heroic, and he hadn't saved Dawn. He didn't deserve any praise, and if his mother had died it would have been his fault.

Well, everyone knew the truth about him now. They knew that he had failed Marissa, and they knew how fucked up he really was. No wonder Sandy and Kirsten had committed him.

Ryan sighed and rolled onto his back. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Seth Cohen was out of denial and mad as hell.

He loved Ryan. He was his best friend, practically his brother, and Seth owed him a lot. Of course he cared about him, and wanted him to get better, but he couldn't believe that Ryan had actually tried to kill himself. He tried to be patient and understanding. Ryan had been through a lot in the recent months, and of course he had been depressed.

But suicide seemed so unlike Ryan. When Ryan was upset, he got mad. If someone got to him, Ryan would fight back. He wasn't the type to give up—during the Oliver debacle, Ryan had been the only one who stood up to him, the only one who had been able to see how unstable the guy really was. Even when everyone thought it was Ryan who was out of control, he had remained firm in his beliefs, and when the shit hit the fan, it was Ryan who talked Oliver out of killing himself.

Rather ironic, really.

It was easy at first to believe that everything was just one big misunderstanding. But it was harder after he'd seen Ryan in the hospital with his wrists wrapped in bandages, and impossible now that he'd seen his dad fall apart while packing away Ryan's clothes. How could Ryan have done something like this without telling them? Didn't he know how much it would upset his parents? Didn't he know how much it would hurt Seth?

Seth still cared about his friend, but right now he'd like nothing better than to punch his lights out.

It had been really hard to see his dad fall apart like that. Seth couldn't remember ever having seen his father cry, well, aside from tearing up at Sleepless in Seattle, an accusation that Sandy always denied. But today in Ryan's dorm room—that hadn't been misty eyes and a few tears. Sandy had been sobbing and holding onto Seth for dear life.

That was what made Seth mad, the fact that Ryan hadn't thought about how much his actions would hurt everyone who cared about him. Either that, or he'd actually thought the Cohens would be better off without him. It pissed Seth off that Ryan thought so little of them, that he would actually believe that his death would mean nothing to them.

He begged off of going to visit Ryan at the hospital that night. He knew it was rotten and selfish of him, but he couldn't deal with seeing Ryan at this point. Seth loved his brother, but right now he didn't like him at all.

Sandy and Kirsten came by right at the start of visiting hours, and as mad as he still was at them, Ryan couldn't help being a little happy that they had come. Not happy enough to show it, though, and he remained mostly silent through the first twenty minutes or so of their visit, making a conscious effort to say as little to them as possible.

"You know, Ryan," Sandy began. "I was thinking that once we get home, we could take a little trip together some weekend. Have you ever been to Yosemite?"

Ryan shook his head, but didn't say anything.

"Oh, it's beautiful, Ryan," Kirsten jumped in. "Seth may be back at Berkeley by then, but Sandy and I could take a couple of days off of work and we could drive up there and go camping. I'm sure you would love it."

Ryan pictured Kirsten Cohen with her perfectly manicured nails and designer clothes attempting to rough it, and had to fight back the urge to smile. He wanted so badly to believe in Sandy and Kirsten, to trust their assurances that he would be home soon and they would go to Yosemite and catch fish and everything would be fine. But chances were that it would never happen, and he would save himself a world of disappointment if he didn't allow himself to hope.

"Ryan, are you all right?" Kirsten asked in concern, putting a hand to his forehead. "You're so quiet."

"How can you tell?" Sandy joked.

Ryan shrugged. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," Kirsten insisted.

"I guess you'll have to keep me here another couple of months, then," Ryan snapped before he could think.

"Ryan, what are you talking about?" Sandy asked.

"You know what I'm talking about!" Ryan shouted. "You've committed me to this place, and you didn't even tell me!"

"I'm sorry, Ryan," Kirsten told him. "You're right, we should have told you. But this isn't a punishment, Ryan. All Sandy and I want is for you to get better."

"I don't need to be here," Ryan insisted. "They write down where you are every fifteen minutes, you have to ask permission to use the bathroom, and you're not allowed to go anywhere where an aide can't see you. How is this supposed to help me?"

"By keeping you safe, Ryan," Sandy told him sharply.

"I'm fine," Ryan shot back. "I don't need to be here."

"Ryan, you tried to kill yourself," Sandy said firmly. "If what your doctors say is true, you cut up your wrists pretty badly. It would devastate this family if anything happened to you, and it's my responsibility as a parent to keep my kids safe from anyone who wants to hurt them, including themselves."

"So you think I need to be here," Ryan snapped.

"If this is what it takes to keep you safe, then yes, I do," Sandy answered firmly.

"Ryan, it's just for five days," Kirsten interjected. "Then we'll all go home together. Can you give this a try, for us?"

Ryan looked at her skeptically. "You promise it's just for five days?"

Kirsten swallowed. "I promise."

"All right," Ryan gave in. "Five days."

"We love you, Ryan," Kirsten told him softly, touching his cheek gently. "We just want you to get well."

"And do you promise about Yosemite?" Ryan asked Sandy, trying to lighten the mood.

Sandy broke into a smile. "It's a deal, Ryan."


	9. 9

Author's notes:

If I never hear the word "dissertation" again, I will be the happiest person in the world. Same goes for "midterm" and "proposal". Sorry for the delay in getting this up, but I have tons of stuff due at the end of the week. Between classes and training for my new job, I've had next to no time. But my rough draft of my proposal is done, and I've outlined everything for my midterm that's due on Friday, so I figured I'd finish this chapter and get it up so y'all can have something to read while I get everything else straightened out.

Does anyone know where I could find a beta reader for this? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you Ally, HateToSayIToldYouSo (loved your latest update!), BonnieD (I'm a big fan of yours, and I appreciate your comments!), Elzed (today's Chinos Redux update made my day!), Melanie39 (Ryan skinnydipping would be very fun to write, but on a camping trip with the Cohens? I've been giggling nonstop at the thought) and make it stop Jamie (thanks for your reviews, and I'm glad you're liking this story) for all your words of encouragement.

Ryan glanced again at the clock, hoping that the hour was almost over. He didn't have anything against Dana, but this therapy business was new to him, and an hour was a long time to talk about yourself. Or to sit in relative silence. Ryan found himself missing Seth and his endless stream of chatter. One of the perks of having a best friend who talked nonstop was that you didn't have to say anything if you didn't want to.

"This is difficult for you, isn't it?" the intern asked. "You seem a bit uneasy."

Ryan felt bad. "It's not you," he tried to assure her. "I'm not very good at talking about myself."

"It comes easier to some people than others," Dana agreed. "And it's harder if you're not used to having anyone to listen if you do want to talk."

Ryan shrugged. "I don't know about that. Sandy and Kirsten are always trying to get me to tell them what I'm thinking and feeling."

"Do you ever tell them?" Dana asked.

Ryan shook his head. "Not usually."

"Can I ask why not?"

"I don't know," Ryan mumbled. "I'm not that big on talking about myself. I guess everyone else seemed to need the attention more than I did."

"What do you mean?" Dana asked, straightening up slightly. "Who needed the attention more?"

He shrugged. "My mom and Marissa, mostly."

"Why do you say they needed the attention more?" Dana probed gently.

"It's just that..." Ryan broke off and searched for the words to explain. "After my dad went to prison, she got really depressed, and she would tell me how hard it was to be raising two kids by herself, or how Trey wouldn't listen to anything she told him. And it was my job to listen and tell her she was doing okay and to make her feel better. Then when I came to Newport, I met Marissa and it started again."

"Those were some pretty heavy expectations for a kid," Dana commented.

"I was supposed to be the strong one," Ryan finished. "I was supposed to take care of my mom, and take care of Marissa, and I failed them both."

He paused for a moment. God, he needed a cigarette. He'd quit over a year ago, but he still had cravings when he was stressed, and this whole psych hospital business was pretty damn stressful.

"It sounds like you have some very high standards for yourself," the intern pointed out.

Ryan shrugged. "I'm supposed to be the one who takes care of everyone else. That's who I am. Or who I was."

"Who would you be if you weren't the strong one?" Dana asked.

Ryan gave a self-deprecating laugh. "That's easy. I'd be the delinquent from Chino who stole a car and burned down a house."

She didn't look surprised at that remark, Ryan noticed. She'd probably heard all about the stolen car and the model home from the Cohens. That was one of the things he hated most about this hospital: knowing that virtual strangers knew all about his past.

"Does this apply to the Cohens too?" Dana asked.

This had gone far enough. Ryan had had enough therapy for one day. "Do we have to talk about that now?" he asked, trying his hardest not to sound upset. "The medications I'm on are making me tired, and I think our time's up soon."

"It's okay, Ryan," Dana assured him. "We can save that for another day."

Ryan sighed in relief. "Thanks."

"You did really well, Ryan," she told him. "I know this isn't easy for you."

"Thanks," Ryan repeated. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

Dana laughed. "Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."

Seth had read somewhere that there were five stages to the grieving process. He didn't know if he was technically grieving, since Ryan was alive and coming home in a few days, but then again, he couldn't think of any other word to appropriately describe how you were supposed to feel when your best friend tries to kill himself without any warning. He supposed it could be grief, in a way. Ryan was alive, but what had happened had changed their family forever. Seth missed the easygoing days, before Marissa had died and Ryan had withdrawn into himself.

Anyhow, denial was supposedly the first stage. He had spent a lot of time in that stage, and now that he was out of it, he found himself missing it. It had been so simple to believe that everything had been a mistake, and once Ryan was home everything would go back to the way it had been before. But it didn't work that way, and now Seth was stuck somewhere between anger and guilt. Or maybe it was depression. Bargaining was supposed to be somewhere in there too, but he couldn't remember exactly. They had covered the five stages in his AP Psychology class last year, but he had spent most of that class passing notes with Summer, and he only remembered bits and pieces.

He was still furious at Ryan, but guilt had crept in as well. He was angry at Ryan, and he felt guilty that he felt angry. If it had been the other way around, if he had been the one instead, Seth had no doubt that Ryan would have been there for him every step of the way. He would have gone to visit Seth in the hospital every chance he got, no matter how mad he might be. He wouldn't make excuses about feeling sick or tired. Ever since he had moved to Newport, Ryan had been there for Seth. Now it was Ryan who needed Seth's help, and the least he could do was repay the favor.

And then there was the issue of college. Seth had been waiting for years to attend Berkeley. He had wanted to go there for as long as he could remember, and especially after his family had moved to Newport. He had already missed his first week of classes, and as much as he wanted to go back once Ryan was out of the hospital, he felt guilty for even thinking about it. Ideally, he would love to go to Berkeley with Ryan, where they could share an apartment, go to frat parties, hit on hot college girls, all that stuff that was an essential part of college. Seth could think of nothing better than Berkeley with Ryan, but he had a feeling his parents wouldn't go for it. They would want Ryan to stay close to home, at least for now. Which left Seth with two options: bail on Ryan and go back to Berkeley alone, or he could transfer to somewhere local like UCLA to be nearby.

When he brought up the issue to his mom, she suggested that they talk about it with Ryan when they went to see him that night. Seth regretted immediately having mentioned it to her.

Not surprisingly, Ryan had insisted that Seth shouldn't have to transfer schools, and that he would be fine if Seth wanted to return to Berkeley. It was such a typical Ryan response, and Seth wished that for once in his life Ryan would state a clear preference. He wished that Ryan wouldn't be so damned accommodating, and stop acting like he was such a huge inconvenience to everyone else.

"Seth, really, it's okay," Ryan told him. "I'm probably going to take a break from school for awhile anyhow. Maybe get a job or something."

"If you're doing well in your therapy," Sandy interjected.

Ryan sighed. "Do I really have to stay in therapy once I get out of here?"

"Sorry, Ryan," Kirsten told him. "The therapy's non-negotiable."

"All right," Ryan gave in. "I suppose there's no point in arguing about that one, is there?"

Sandy clapped him on the shoulder. "Smart boy."

"Really, Seth," Ryan continued. "If I'm not going to be in school, there's no point in your changing colleges right now."

Seth wanted to snap at him not to be so self-sacrificing and to stop acting like he was such a huge burden. He fought back the words, feeling guilty for even thinking these things about the best friend he'd ever had.

"There's no need to decide right now," Sandy offered. "Seth, you can do your first semester at Berkeley while Ryan takes some time off, and come January we can all talk again and see where we are and what we want to do."

"I'll visit a lot," Seth offered hastily. "It's a short plane ride. Cheap fares too. Or you could even come and visit me. You've never been to Berkeley, have you?"

"I was thinking of taking some time off as well," Sandy added. "I've got quite a bit of vacation time coming to me, and if I don't use it before the new year it all goes to waste."

It was obvious to Ryan that Sandy wanted to be able to keep an eye on him at home, to make sure he didn't hurt himself again. But he also knew that Sandy's intentions were good, and he couldn't find it in himself to be mad at him for it. "Sure, that would be cool, I guess."

"Oh, man," Seth groaned. "Ryan, hanging out with one's parents is never cool."

"Seth, son, you wound me," Sandy moaned, pretending to be hurt.

"Sorry, Dad," Seth apologized. "I suppose playing golf is cool if you're into wearing dorky pants and hitting ten dollar's worth of golf balls into the water. I'm sure you and Ryan will have tons of fun with that."

Kirsten saw a hint of a smile cross Ryan's face as he watched Seth and Sandy bicker. She had missed Ryan's smile in the last few months, and it was so good to see it again.

Three days later, Ryan was released from the hospital, and all four of them were on their way home.


	10. 10

Disclaimer: If you look at my account balance, it becomes painfully obvious that I am not Josh Schwartz.

Author's Notes:

I apologize if the formatting sucks. I'm still trying to get the hang of 's new editing software.

Leentje—Thanks for your review. I'm glad you liked the last chapter.

Melanie39—this chapter goes out to you and your request for Ryan/Kirsten scenes. Hope you like!

HateToSayIToldYouSo—I am seriously in awe of how well you write for your characters. Especially your amazing talent for writing funny scenes. Humor is so much harder to write than angst, in my opinion. I look forward to seeing more from you!

Silverweaver—Yet another one of my favorite OC fanfic authors. I'm very flattered that you like this.

Elzed—more happiness in this chapter, as requested. Maybe not fluff, but lighter than the tone of the story has been so far. Ryan and Sandy golfing together would be so fun to write, but I'm not sure if Ryan would ever agree to that. I definitely have plans for them to hang out more in the next chapter, though.

Oh, and more Chinos Redux. Now. Please?

Antigone 11—I think you're right about Ryan still feeling that his needs are more important than other people's, but I'm not sure if he's ready to admit that just yet. I think it's easier for him to talk about how he failed to protect his mom and Marissa than it is to discuss how afraid he is that he's going to disappoint the Cohens.

BonnieD—Ryan would in therapy would be interesting to see on the show, but like you said, I don't know if we'll ever get to see that. It's nice to see him settling into his new life and feeling more comfortable, but I have to admit I enjoy Brooding!Ryan as well.

Make it stop Jamie—Glad you liked this. Thanks for reviewing.

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Ryan never thought he'd miss the hospital, but after he had been out for about six hours and was halfway across the country, he began to wish he'd stayed a little longer. Not that he wasn't happy to be out, but now that he was on his way back to California he would have to soon face everyone back in Newport, who were bound to be wondering why he had come back from college so quickly. He knew the Cohens weren't about to go telling everyone they knew, but word was bound to leak out.

Ryan sighed and stared out the window, which turned out to be a very bad idea. He shut the windowshade quickly and took a deep breath, trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach. Flying wasn't so bad if you could pretend that you were just sitting in some weird, long room with lots of other people. While hovering thirty thousand feet above the ground.

Shit.

Kirsten touched his hand lightly. "You okay?"

Ryan nodded. "I'm fine. Not a big fan of heights."

"Oh, Ryan." Kirsten shook her head. "Why don't you take a nap or something? We've got another three hours before we land."

Ryan shrugged. "I'm not that tired." That, and he was still having nightmares.  The last thing he wanted to do was have one right in front of Kirsten.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Kirsten asked gently. She didn't want to push him too much, but Ryan seemed more preoccupied than usual and she didn't think it was due to his fear of heights. "You're worried about going back, aren't you?"

"Maybe we could take a little vacation before we go back to Newport," Ryan suggested. "We don't have to be back right away, do we?"

Kirsten couldn't help smiling. "You sound like me the Monday after I got drunk on Thanksgiving and wanted to stay home from yogalates."

Ryan snickered. "Yogalates."

"Not you too," Kirsten complained. "Anyhow, I know how scary a place like Newport can be. But you're not going to go through this alone, Ryan. I hope you know that."

Ryan nodded ever so slightly. "Thanks," he whispered.

"So what's the movie for this flight?" Kirsten asked, changing the subject.

Ryan groaned. "A chick flick."

Kirsten grinned. "Come on, I'm sure it'll be entertaining. Better than staring at the seat in front of you for the next three hours."

Ryan was reluctant. "I don't know about that. And Seth would never let me hear the end of it."

Kirsten shook her head. "Sandy and Seth are sitting way in the back of the plane. They'll never know."

"I'm not sure," Ryan said hesitantly.

Kirsten flipped through the airline magazine. "It has Cameron Diaz in it."

"She is really hot," Ryan gave in. "Promise you won't tell Seth?"

Kirsten smiled and handed him a set of headphones. "Cross my heart."

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As happy as he was that Ryan was coming home, Sandy couldn't help but be worried. He hadn't liked the thought of Ryan being in the hospital, but at least there he hadn't had to worry about the boy's safety. At home, it simply wouldn't be possible to watch Ryan twenty-four hours a day, and even if it was, Sandy didn't know how much good it would do. Ryan would be safe, yes, but would he be happy?

Sandy didn't know what to do.

He was familiar with the trials of fatherhood. Eighteen years of parenting Seth had given him a world of experience. He had survived sleepless nights with a crying, colicky infant, and suffered through that seemingly endless summer where Ryan had been in Chino with a pregnant Theresa and Seth off sailing to God knew where. He had been so young when Seth was born, only twenty-three, but even then Sandy had understood the awesome responsibility that came with parenthood. The first time he had held Seth in his arms, he knew that he would never stop worrying about him.

Ryan was a different story. Looking back, Sandy admitted that he had first taken the boy in to prove something to himself, to show the world what a wonderful, generous person Sandy Cohen was. There had been other reasons too, but bringing Ryan to Newport had been an altruistic action, a way to prove something to himself. But then he had gotten to know Ryan, had gotten to see the smart, funny, loyal teenager that he was, and before Sandy realized it, he had stopped thinking of Ryan as a project and started thinking of him as his son.

Ryan needed help, and Sandy didn't know how to help him. He could get the boy out of jail, send him to a private school and give him a chance to rise above poverty and a broken family. If anyone threatened Ryan, Sandy was ready to step in front of the boy and protect him from harm. But this was different. He didn't know how to save Ryan from himself.

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Sandy, Kirsten, and Ryan took a cab back to Newport after saying goodbye to Seth at the airport. He was continuing on to Oakland, but promised to come home in two weeks for Caleb's birthday. Seth had seemed uneasy saying goodbye to Ryan, no doubt remembering the last time he had left for college, but seemed less anxious after Ryan shook his hand and told him he'd see him in two weeks.

They had just arrived back in Newport when Kirsten brought up the subject. She and Sandy had talked about it a couple of days ago, but decided to ask Ryan about it before acting, in light of Ryan's reaction to being hospitalized. Sandy had gone into the kitchen to order Chinese, and she called Ryan into the living room and told him to have a seat next to her on the sofa.

"Am I in trouble?" he asked uncertainly. "I was just going to go out to the pool house and put my stuff away."

"You're not in trouble," Kirsten reassured him. "Sandy and I were just thinking that you might want to move into the house instead."

Ryan gave her a skeptical look. "You just now thought about this?"

"I know," Kirsten sighed. "But I can promise you that I'm not just bringing this up so we can keep an eye on you. You're a part of the family, Ryan. We thought you might like to have your own room in the house."

"But you do want to keep an eye on me," Ryan answered.

Kirsten sighed, knowing that Ryan would be able to tell if she lied. "Yes, that's part of it. A minor part of it."

"I'm not going to do anything," Ryan insisted. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Yes we do," Kirsten insisted. "Ryan, you've been through so much, and it would shatter this family if anything happened to you. Sandy and I are your—"she almost said "parents", but realized that Ryan wasn't ready for that yet—"your guardians, Ryan, and we're going to worry about you no matter what. It comes with the territory."

Ryan thought for a moment. "Can I go back to the pool house if I don't like living in the house?"

"That sounds like a reasonable request," Kirsten agreed.

"You're not going to make me go shopping for sheets and stuff, are you?" Ryan asked, looking bored at the mere thought. "I mean, I will if you want me to."

Kirsten laughed. "I'll take care of the linens, but Sandy and I thought you might want to pick out some posters and other decorations for the room. We want you to feel at home."

"I already do," Ryan answered with a shy smile. "It's nice to be back."

Kirsten couldn't help herself. She gave Ryan a quick hug and rumpled his hair a bit. Seth always whined at her when she did it to him, but Ryan seemed to enjoy the bits of affection, although he rarely instigated them himself.

"It's good to have you home, Ryan."


	11. 11

Author's notes:

Crashcmb—Thank you for your very thoughtful review. I was worried when I started this story that a lot of people would be put off by the suicide aspect of it, and while I'm sure there are still some that are, I really appreciate your taking the time to read and review my work. I'm very flattered!

Christina—Thanks for reviewing. I hope you like this next chapter.

Elzed—I think Ryan is a little happier in this chapter. The requisite dose of angst is there, of course, actually, there's quite a bit of angst but I like to think that he's in a better place when it's all over. Loved your Chinos Redux and Chino Drean updates!

60schic—You're the one who wrote all those great Ryan/Hailey stories, aren't you? So very flattered that someone so talented is reading my story.

Coolio02—Thanks.  I like Ryan/Kirsten bonding too.

Melanie39—Dissertation is moving along. Had to write another six pages worth for this week. One interesting moment was when I found a very insightful article written by a Sanford Katz, J.D. Not quite the same, but reading an article by a Jewish lawyer named Sanford felt a bit odd to me.

Silverweaver—I'm a fan of Sandy/Seth interaction as well. I'll try to work some in during the upcoming chapters.

HateToSayIToldYouSo—So glad to hear you liked my last chapter! Speaking of which, any chance of getting a Don't Let Go update soon? I feel like I'm going through withdrawl!

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"God, Ryan, will you just leave me alone?" Marissa complained, not bothering to hide her irritation as Ryan followed her out to her car. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine."

"_Marissa, you've had at least ten drinks since you got here," Ryan argued. "I wouldn't define that as fine."_

"_Lighten up." Marissa rolled her eyes. "Everyone gets smashed after graduation. It's not a big deal."_

"_Fine," Ryan agreed. "Just give me your keys and I'll take you home."_

"_No!" Marissa insisted. "I don't need you babying me or worrying about me. I'll drive myself."_

"_No you aren't," Ryan insisted, feeling his irritation rise. "I'm not going to be responsible for you getting hurt, or worse, hurting someone else. You can destroy your life as much as you want, but it's just selfish to destroy someone else in the process."_

"_Oh, please," Marissa groaned. "You take this hero business far too seriously. Get over it, Ryan. You can't save me, and even if you could, you wouldn't want to."_

"_Hate me as much as you want, just give me the keys," Ryan snapped, trying hard to hold onto his temper. "Next fall we'll go off to separate colleges and you'll never have to see me again."_

"_I can't wait." Marissa moved to unlock her car door, and Ryan reached in and snatched them away from her. "Give them back!"_

"_No," Ryan insisted. "Go around to the passengers side and I'll let you in."_

"_Ryan, give me the fucking keys," Marissa shouted. In the pale glow of the streetlights, her face looked hollow and tired. Her hair hung in limp clumps, and Ryan had a hard time believing that he had ever thought her beautiful. He had seen what alcohol had done to his mother, and now it had claimed Marissa too._

"_I said give me my keys!" Marissa repeated, her voice growing continually louder. _

_Ryan shook his head. "No."_

_Marissa slapped him with a strength that he hadn't been aware that she had. "Give them to me, you filthy Chino trash!"_

"_Fine!" Ryan snapped, throwing the keys at her feet. "Go get yourself killed for all I care! I'm through!"_

_He whirled around and stormed off back toward the house. When he entered the front door, everything was silent and the lights were off. "Hello?" he called into the darkness. "Is anyone here?"_

_There was no reply. His footsteps echoed loudly in his ears as he tried to make his way in the pitch blackness that surrounded him. He heard a creak behind him, and quickly whirled around, his heart pounding. "Who's there?"_

_No reply. Ryan reached out tentatively and felt the wall beneath his fingers. He breathed a small sigh of relief and began making his way across the room. After about ten steps his hand brushed against a light switch, and he flipped it on, praying that it would work._

_A small crack of light appeared in the wall, outlining a door. Ryan slowly reached for the handle and turned it, then swung the door open._

Marissa's bloody, lifeless body stared out at him from the closet.

Ryan bolted awake. He wanted to scream, but remembered in time that Sandy and Kirsten were asleep down the hall. If he woke them, they would want to know what was wrong, and he couldn't bear the thought of telling them about his dream, about how he had thrown Marissa's keys at her and told her to go ahead and kill herself.

Julie Cooper was right. Marissa's death was his fault.

Ryan got out of bed and switched on the lamp by his bed. Reaching beneath the bed, he pulled out a comic book of Seth's that he'd borrowed, and settled in to do some reading. It wasn't until the sun came up two hours later that he was finally able to fall back asleep.

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Kirsten had long since left for work by the time Ryan came downstairs at ten thirty. Sandy was on the Playstation attempting to master one of Seth's ninja games, and Ryan watched in amusement as his foster father was thoroughly thrashed by the animated warriors.

The ninja died with a piercing wail, and Sandy tossed down his controller onto the sofa in mock frustration. "Crap."

"Don't say crap, Sandy," Ryan admonished him, unable to keep from laughing.

Sandy shook his head. "You've been around Kirsten too much. You're starting to sound exactly like her."

"It could be worse," Ryan suggested. "I could sound just like Seth."

Sandy laughed. "Go on and get some cereal. I've got big plans for us today."

"Not golfing," Ryan complained. "Golfing and me are not a good combination."

"No need to fear, we aren't going golfing," Sandy assured him. "We're going surfing instead."

"Is that safe?" Ryan asked in concern. "I won't break my arm or anything, will I?"

"Highly unlikely," Sandy answered. "We'll start out on smaller waves. You can use Seth's board."

"But what if I lose it?" Ryan continued. He realized he sounded like a scared little boy, but he'd never been surfing a day in his life and some of those waves by Newport got pretty big. Ryan wasn't afraid of water, but being held under ten feet of water didn't sound like much fun to him.

Sandy noticed the uneasiness on the boy's face. "I was scared the first time too," he tried to assure Ryan. "I got over it, and I really think you'd like it if you gave it a chance."

Ryan knew that Sandy wouldn't be upset if he said that he'd rather hang out at home and play the Playstation instead, but he remembered waking up in the hospital with Sandy sitting beside his bed, and how tired and distraught he had looked. Sandy had been to hell and back in the last couple of weeks, and the least Ryan could do was spend a couple hours surfing with him. "Okay. I'll go change."

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"Come on in, the water's great!" Sandy shouted to Ryan. He had sensed that the boy had only agreed to come surfing with him in order to please him, but he had sensed little glimpses of excitement from him on the ride to the beach as he regaled Ryan with his (okay, exaggerated) exploits in the thirteen years he and Kirsten had lived in Newport. But Ryan was hesitant again, still standing in shallow water as his surfboard bobbed around his knees.

Sandy grabbed his board and waded back to shore. "Are you okay, Ryan?"

Ryan gave him a helpless look. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Are you afraid of water?" Sandy asked. "If so, I'm so sorry for suggesting this."

Ryan shook his head. "No, I'm not afraid of water."

"I'll talk you through it," Sandy promised. "Okay?"

"Okay," Ryan agreed.

Sandy smiled. "That's more like it. I'll hold onto your board while you go toss your shirt back with the rest of our stuff."

Ryan shrank back, and a look of pure panic came into his eyes. "I can't."

"You can't?" Sandy repeated, confused. Then it hit him, the reason why Ryan always wore long sleeved shirts now. "Oh, Ryan. I'm sorry."

"They're so ugly," Ryan muttered. "Signs to the world of how badly I fucked up."

"Ryan, I don't want you talking about yourself like that," Sandy told him. "You're starting to worry me."

"I'm sorry," Ryan apologized. "I'm still getting used to everything."

"It's okay," Sandy assured him.

"Can you still teach me to surf?" Ryan asked. "Because I'd really like to learn."

"Of course," Sandy agreed. "And keep your shirt on if you want. It won't hurt it."

"Thanks," Ryan said, relieved.

"Besides," Sandy added. "No one at a Newport beach notices anything besides the pretty girls in bikinis. I went surfing once in my boxers when I forgot my swimsuit and didn't have time to go home and get it. No one said anything."

Ryan snorted. "Does Kirsten know about this?"

Sandy shook his head. "You wouldn't."

"Maybe not," Ryan teased. "Maybe so."

Sandy sighed. "Come on, kid. Let's go ride some waves."

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Kirsten was already home by the time Ryan and Sandy made it back. They had surfed for the better part of three hours, and while Ryan was still a beginner, he had managed to catch a few small waves and one or two larger ones and ride them in to shore. Sandy was right: surfing was fun.

"Hey, guys," she greeted them as they marched through the kitchen, carrying their surfboards, their hair still damp from the water. "I see Sandy talked you into trying surfing, Ryan."

"The kid's a natural," Sandy announced, throwing his arm around Ryan's shoulders. "You should have seen him, hon. He was holding his own out there."

"Sandy's a good teacher," Ryan insisted. "I was scared to death at first."

Kirsten smiled. Ryan looked stronger and tanner than she could remember seeing him in months. Happier, too. "It looks like we've got two surfers in the family now."

"Yes we do," Sandy crowed. "You, my dear, are now outnumbered."

All in all, Ryan thought, it had been a pretty good day.


	12. 12

Author's notes:

Leentje—Sorry this took so long, but with holidays and the uploading feature being down, I wasn't terribly productive.

Christina—Glad you liked the surfing bit. I agree, that would be great to see on the show. Any excuse to get Ryan soaking wet is good with me.

i-luv-the-oc-and-smallville—Thanks for your review. I'm pretty sure Julie will be around in upcoming chapters…

ctoan—I adore your stories, and was very flattered to see that you're reading this. As to whether Ryan will ever tell anyone what happened that night, that issue will definitely come up again in upcoming chapters.

HateToSayIToldYouSo—I understand all about busy weeks, as evidenced by my taking forever to update this chapter. sigh I look forward to your next update, whenever you can find the time.

Storymom—Glad to see you're still around. ;) I couldn't resist throwing in that broken arm comment, especially since your story was one of the first OC ones I ever read.

Melanie39—It's good to hear that I got my point across with that last nightmare. I wanted to explain why Ryan felt so guilty, without having made him into a total jerk, or portraying Marissa as completely evil.

Jen—Thanks for your comments. ;)

Elzed—maybe by the end of this story I can have a chapter that's completely angst-free. I feel so bad torturing Ryan, but he's so sad and cute when he's brooding. I'll make it up to him at the end.

60schic—Wet Ryan is a wonderful, wonderful thing, and something that is far too rare on the show. Thanks for reading. :)

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Kirsten arrived for work fifteen minutes early, in hopes of catching her father in his office before his first meeting at eight thirty. It had been a busy summer for the Newport group, which had recently bought a stretch of coastline property near Santa Barbara. Caleb had plans for opening a new residential community in November, and with the deadline quickly approaching, Kirsten hadn't really talked to her father since she and Sandy had left for Boston.

She was in luck, finding Caleb sitting at his desk drinking coffee and looking over a bundle of papers. Ordinarily Julie would have been in the office as well, but Kirsten hadn't seen her around since Marissa's death at the beginning of the summer. _I know how she feels,_ Kirsten realized. _The same thing almost happened to me_.

Caleb looked up from his work and a smile spread across his face as he caught sight of his oldest daughter. "Kiki! What a lovely surprise!"

"Hi, Dad," Kirsten smiled, walking over to his desk and pecking her father on the cheek. "Got a minute?"

Caleb looked at his watch. "Actually, I have five. What's on your mind?"

"I was thinking," Kirsten began, trying to remember the speech she had so carefully prepared the previous night. "Our engineering department lost one of their interns last week, and I think I know who we could hire to replace him."

"You're talking about Ryan, aren't you?" Caleb replied. "Don't look so surprised, Kiki. I've known you your entire life. I can tell when you're up to something."

"I can assure you that Ryan's perfectly qualified," Kirsten hastened to assure him. "He had top grades in his math and science classes at Harbor. I know he's a little young, but considering most of the job consists of getting coffee and using the photocopy machine, I'm pretty sure he can handle it."

Caleb looked thoughtful. "You never did tell me why he dropped out of college in Boston."

"He just decided to take a little time off," Kirsten said quickly. It wasn't a total lie, after all. "He got into a little accident there, and he wants to take some time to recover before he starts school again. That's why I thought a job might be good for him."

"Kiki, didn't I just tell you that I know when you're hiding something?" her father asked. "I know there's something you're not telling me."

Kirsten sighed. "Ryan's been depressed since Marissa died. Sandy and I think that he blames himself for what happened. He spent a week in the hospital in Boston before coming home."

"So the accident was…"

"He tried to kill himself," Kirsten finished, sagging into a chair. "He seems better now, and he's starting therapy here in Newport, but Sandy and I are still scared for him."

"And you want him to work here so you can keep an eye on him," Caleb finished. "Right?"

"In a way," Kirsten admitted. "He wants to get a job, and he's interested in architecture, and I thought that if he worked in engineering, I'd be around if he needed me, but he wouldn't feel like I was watching him every moment."

"Are you sure he's up to working?" Caleb asked. "We do a lot of business at the Newport Group, and we can't have anyone whose personal problems get in the way of their job."

Kirsten struggled to keep her cool. Losing her temper at her father wouldn't help anyone, least of all Ryan. "I'm confident that Ryan can handle making photocopies, Dad."

"You know how I feel about that boy," Caleb began. "It's never been a secret. But you love Ryan and I love you, so I'm willing to give him a trial period. But if it doesn't work out, Kiki, I'll have to dismiss him."

Kirsten nodded. "Thank you, Dad."

The intercom buzzed. "Mr. Nichol, your eight thirty appointment is here."

"I won't keep you," Kirsten promised. "Thanks again, Dad."

Caleb nodded. "Tell Ryan he can start first thing Monday morning."

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Mercifully, the night had passed for Ryan without any nightmares. They didn't have any real pattern to them, which in a way made it worse, since he had no idea when the next one was going to happen. Maybe, he hoped, the last one had merely been brought on by the stress of returning to Newport. He didn't quite believe it, but one could always hope.

He was beginning to regret having agreed to moving into the house, which didn't make any sense when he thought about it. He liked his new room, which was right across the hall from Seth's, and Kirsten had promised that she and Sandy would take him to get anything he wanted in order to decorate it that weekend. He had gone surfing again with Sandy that morning, and to lunch at the Crab Shack, and even though he knew that Sandy was taking time off of work in order to keep an eye on him, Ryan couldn't help enjoying the time they spent together. Ever since he had first come to live with the Cohens, Ryan had secretly envied Seth for having a father like Sandy, and had even pretended sometimes to himself that Sandy and Kirsten were really his parents as well. That was what made him so afraid of letting them down.

He didn't want to let them in because he didn't want to disappoint them. He had killed Marissa, was just as responsible for her death as she was. He had known that she was drunk, and he had lost his temper and thrown her car keys at her instead of keeping his cool and taking her home. If only he had done that, she would be alive today. Still drinking, maybe, and still unhappy, but alive. Or if he hadn't tried to deal with it by himself, if he had come to the Cohens like they were always after him to do, they could have done what was needed to get Marissa some help. But instead he had tried to handle it all by himself, failed miserably, and now he was getting everything that should have been Marissa's.

Ryan was starting to feel things again and it was frightening him. In the months since Marissa's death it had seemed as if he were numb to the world, going through the actions while feeling nothing. That was changing now, to the point where his emotions were cycling rapidly and all he could do was stand by and watch. He was profoundly grateful to the Cohens and everything they had done for him. He resented them for constantly checking on him as if he were a toddler. He wanted to be left alone. He was afraid of being abandoned. He didn't know what to feel anymore.

After lunch, Sandy drove him to his first therapy appointment. Ryan sat silently in the front seat, staring out the window. He didn't have much faith in therapy, didn't understand how talking about himself and how royally he'd screwed was going to make anything better. But the Cohens had been adamant that he talk to someone, and Ryan figured that he wasn't in much of a position to argue. The couple days of therapy he'd had in the hospital had been fairly painless, and if it made Sandy and Kirsten happy then he supposed it might be worth it.

Sandy pulled his BMW into a parking space and shut off the ignition. "Here we are, Ryan. You ready?"

Ryan shrugged. "I guess."

"I think you'll like this therapist," Sandy offered. "I sent a lot of my clients to him when I worked for the PD's office, and from what I saw, he was pretty good."

"Okay," Ryan mumbled, unbuckling his seat belt and opening the door. Sandy did the same, and Ryan turned to look at him. "You're coming in with me?"

Sandy faltered. "Is that okay with you?"

Ryan tried not to show his irritation. Ever since he'd gotten out of the hospital, Sandy had been reluctant to let him out of his sight. Even if he went into the kitchen to get a snack, more often than not Sandy would follow him, probably to make sure that he didn't off himself because they were out of tuna. He knew Sandy's intentions were good, but he wished that he would back off a bit and give Ryan some space.

"Yeah, whatever, it's fine," Ryan mumbled. He didn't have the energy to tell Sandy the truth, not right now.

Sandy sensed the boy's hesitation. "Are you sure?"

"God, Sandy, just do what you want, okay?" Ryan snapped. He saw the hurt in the older man's eyes and was immediately sorry. "Sorry."

Sandy slid back into his seat and shut the car door. "No, it's all right, Ryan. I'll wait out here for you."

Ryan wanted to kick himself for what he'd said. His mind flashed back to when he'd asked Sandy to leave after waking up in the hospital. This man had done everything for him, and this was how Ryan repaid him. He was disgusted with himself.

"Ryan, really, it's fine," Sandy continued. "Go ahead in. I'll see you in an hour."

Ryan went.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The therapist was different from what Ryan had expected. He was about Sandy's age, but he was wearing jeans and a button-down shirt instead of a suit and when he shook Ryan's hand, he told the boy to call him Brad.

Ryan tried not to show his surprise. "You want me to call you by your first name?"

"You can call me Dr. Dumbrowski if you want," the man offered, "but I can't promise you I'll always respond. I'm pretty laid back, and most of my clients call me by my first name."

Ryan glanced nervously at the couch. "Am I supposed to lie down?"

Brad grinned. "If you want to, then by all means go ahead, but to be honest, I don't really do the 'lie on the couch and tell me about your mother' bit."

_That's a relief_, Ryan thought, sinking down into a chair. "So I guess you want me to tell you why I'm here."

"Listen, Ryan," Brad began. "I've read your records from Boston, and I've talked to Sandy Cohen, so I have some idea of what's going on with you. But I don't know your side of things, and I understand that I'm a stranger to you and that you might not want to just start telling me everything that's on your mind. And that's okay. You can come and we can talk about sports, or anything else you want. Or you can even sit the entire hour and say nothing. That's okay too. I want you to feel comfortable with me, and I know that that takes time."

Ryan couldn't help liking the guy for that. "Okay. Thanks."

The hour passed a lot quicker than he thought it would. He talked to Brad about soccer, and Luke, and a little bit about how he had first moved to Newport and met Marissa. But he backed off of the subject after a few minutes, and Brad had been fine with it. Ironically, he felt more comfortable with talking when he wasn't expected to.

Sandy was waiting for him when the session was over, and Ryan could feel his guardian's hesitation as he climbed into the BMW. Ryan felt guilty for that. He obviously wanted to ask how the session had gone, but was afraid of Ryan's biting his head off again.

"So therapy was okay," Ryan offered. "I think it'll be all right."

Sandy smiled and ruffled Ryan's hair a bit before starting the car. "Glad to hear it, kid."


	13. 13

Author's notes:

I'm a little uncertain on this chapter. I know where I want to go, but I'm a little unclear on how to get there, so this is my attempt at bridging that gap.

Crashcmb—you were right about needing the Caleb/Ryan interaction. I'd neglected to put that in my notes for this story, so I put it in this chapter hoping that it fits.

Elzed—thanks for your comments. I've done some work with adolescent boys, and the general school of thought when doing therapy with them is to spend a lot of time at the beginning of the therapy just letting them get to know you and feel comfortable with you, and after that they'll open up, which is what I'm attempting to have Brad do with Ryan.

Christina—Thanks for your review, and I'm glad you like where this story is headed.

Cfsoccer28—I definitely plan on having some more therapy scenes in the story, and maybe even getting Sandy and Kirsten in for a family session as well.

HateToSayIToldYouSo—Loved your last update. Adored it beyond words. And I'm glad you're liking where this is going!

Joey51—I've always thought that the concept of therapy would be scarier to Ryan than the therapy itself. And he's a bit all over the place emotionally right now, with everything that's happened. I'm thinking that it's actually a positive sign that he was able to get mad at Sandy, if only because he trusts him enough to still be there even if he does snap at him or show some irritation.

Melanie39—I simply loved your latest story. It was just fantastic, and I'm hoping to see more of it soon!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Monday morning, Ryan got up early and went in to work with Kirsten. He knew that she had asked her father to get this internship for him, but although he still felt uneasy about that, he was grateful for the opportunity to get out of the house and do something productive. Besides, the experience would help him when he was applying for summer jobs later on, when he was back in college. Kirsten had told him that most of the job consisted of making coffee and photocopies, but that he'd have a chance to consult with the Newport Group's engineers, and get some hands-on experience with building design. It didn't sound like a bad job, all things considered, and it would make Kirsten happy.

Kirsten showed him the engineering offices, and introduced him to Charlie, the head engineer who would be supervising his work. He had his own desk, and while most of his morning was spent in menial tasks, Charlie did ask him to double check the calculations for some building plans. Ryan was immersed in the task when the phone on his desk rang.

He picked up the receiver. "Newport Group, Ryan Atwood speaking."

"Ryan, it's Caleb." Shit. He couldn't have screwed up already, could he? What on earth did Caleb want him for? "I'd like to see you in my office in five minutes."

_Fuck_. He hadn't seen Caleb since Marissa's funeral, and to be honest, he had been rather surprised that he had agreed to giving Ryan a job. The last thing Ryan wanted to do was face Caleb Nichol after he had practically killed his stepdaughter. But Caleb was the head of the Newport group, and Ryan's boss. "I'll be there."

Caleb was sitting at his desk when Ryan knocked on the door. "Ryan, please come in and shut the door behind you."

This couldn't be good. Ryan briefly thought about simply leaving, forgetting about the Newport Group and hitching a ride back to the house. But as tempting as that thought was, he would be disappointing Kirsten and Sandy, and he had done enough of that recently. He shut the door and sat down nervously.

Caleb noticed the boy's stricken expression and felt a twinge of sympathy for him. "Ryan, you don't need to look so frightened, I'm not going to fire you."

Ryan nodded, and felt a little of the tightness in his chest dissipate. "Thank you, sir."

"I'm going to be straight with you," Caleb began. "Kirsten told me what happened with you in Boston."

Ryan wasn't too surprised, but he couldn't help feeling a tiny bit resentful toward Kirsten who had indirectly subjected him to this incredibly awkward conversation with Caleb Nichol, the richest man in Newport who had never liked him.

"Do you need any schedule accommodations?" Caleb continued. "Kirsten mentioned that you were starting therapy."

Ryan nodded. "I'm supposed to see my therapist on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons."

"All right," Caleb agreed. "I'll make sure that you're done here by noon on those days. Does that help?"

"Yes, sir," Ryan answered, in a state of semi-disbelief. "It helps a lot."

"I want to tell you something, Ryan," Caleb continued. "I know what it's like to lose someone you care about, and it's never easy. But you shouldn't get so wrapped up in hating yourself that you end up hurting the people who love you. Believe it or not, you're part of a family and whatever you do affects all of them."

"Yes, sir," Ryan replied.

"I want you to understand," Caleb insisted. "My daughter loves you as if you were her own child. So does Sandy, and you're like a brother to Seth. It would tear that family apart if you did anything to yourself. And anyone who hurts my daughter or my grandson will have me to answer to."

Ryan couldn't figure out if Caleb was threatening him or trying to give him a pep talk in his own, unusual way. "Yes, sir."

"You can drop the sir business," Caleb instructed him. "Considering you've lived in my daughter's home for the last two years, it's about time that you started calling me Caleb."

"Yes, si—" Ryan caught himself, "yes, Caleb."

Caleb nodded. "I'm glad we understand each other. You can get back to work now, and I want to hear that you're trying hard in therapy, understand?"

"All right," Ryan agreed. "Thank you."

Caleb dismissed him, and Ryan thankfully returned to checking figures and making photocopies. After that talk with Caleb, spending the morning doing overly simple tasks was just fine with him.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kirsten was taking Ryan to his therapy appointment on Thursday afternoon, so it was Sandy who went to collect Seth at the airport. The family was having a formal dinner on Saturday night in honor of Caleb's birthday, and while Sandy privately thought that he'd much rather have his fingernails pulled out or undergo a root canal without anesthetic, the event was obviously important to Kirsten. Not to mention, Seth would be home until Sunday morning, which almost made up for the agony of celebrating Caleb's birthday. Almost, but not quite.

When he got to the airport, he found that Seth's flight had been delayed twenty minutes, so he bought an overpriced cup of coffee from Starbucks and sat down at a table to wait. He was looking forward to seeing Seth even more than he had expected. Even though it had only been two weeks since he'd seen his son, it felt more like two months. Or, more likely, he felt like he'd been through two months instead of two weeks. Ryan was attending therapy twice a week, and seemed to be getting along okay with his therapist, but Sandy had noticed the boy withdrawing from him in the last week or so. Because of Ryan's outburst at him, he had tried to give him more space, but he had no idea how much was too much. He had given Ryan space over the summer, and the boy had almost died.

He hadn't felt so helpless since he was ten and his younger sister had become violently sick one night while his mother was working late. Sophie Cohen often went to visit her clients' homes while she was working, and Sandy had no idea where she was or how to reach her. He had ended up calling 911 and leaving a note for his mother while he and his little brother went along to the hospital in the ambulance. It had turned out that Sarah had suffered an attack of appendicitis, and after an operation she was just fine. But Sandy never forgot the feeling of absolute terror he had experienced, of being responsible for someone's life without the slightest clue what to do.

Sandy finished the last of his coffee and tossed the cup in the trash on his way to find Seth. He spotted his son just outside of the security gate, wearing a blue Berkeley sweatshirt and looking so different from when he'd seen him last. Seth looked happy and relaxed, and Sandy noted with relief that at least one of his sons was doing well.

"Hey, dad," Seth greeted his father, submitting to a hug from Sandy. "Good to see you."

Sandy smiled. "You too. You look terrific, son. Just wait till your mother sees you."

"Please tell me she's not home cooking a big meal to welcome me home," Seth grinned, with a sly glance at his father.

"Now that's an idea!" Sandy exclaimed. "Do you think I could talk her into cooking for your grandpa's birthday dinner Saturday?"

"Dad," Seth teased. "I know you hate Grandpa, but you wouldn't make the rest of us suffer too."

"You're right," Sandy gave in. "It's still a good idea, though. I'll have to remember that one."

Kirsten and Ryan were home by the time Sandy and Seth returned, and after Kirsten greeted her oldest son, the adult Cohens left to pick up the takeout, leaving Ryan and Seth to say their awkward hellos.

Ryan stood silently with his hands jammed into his jeans pockets, wondering why he felt so awkward. Seth was his best friend. Practically his brother, and Ryan had missed him like crazy while he was gone. Maybe it was because he'd just spent the last two weeks with Kirsten and Sandy's undivided attention, who were, after all, Seth's parents and not Ryan's. Or maybe it was because he'd felt that Seth was keeping something from him even back when he'd been in the hospital, and that there was something unsaid between the two of them that Ryan wasn't sure that he wanted to hear.

If anything, Seth seemed even more uneasy than he did. They stood in silence for a few minutes, before Ryan finally nodded toward the Playstation. "Want to play?"

Seth shot a grin at him as Ryan handed him a controller, and for a moment it felt as if nothing had happened and they were simply unwinding after a day at Harbor.

For now, anyhow. Ryan wasn't naïve enough to think that it would last forever.


	14. 14

Disclaimer:

Things I own—one cat, some furniture, tons of psychology textbooks.

Things I do not own—anything worth over $200, any of the characters from The O.C.

Author's notes:

Whew! My apologies for the long delay in updating, but between writer's block and having a ridiculous amount of final papers due, I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter. It's a rather pivotal one in this story and I went over and over it a number of times before I was happy with it. But here it is, and it's long in part because I had a lot of events I wanted to cover and part because I wanted to make it up to everyone who's been so patiently waiting for me to update. I hope people are still reading this!

BrokenSpirit20—um, I guess your command didn't work too well. Sorry about that! I hope this chapter makes up for the delay!

Number8goo—I'm glad you like this story. I wanted to give an honest portrayal of a difficult topic, and I'm happy you think I'm succeeding.

Ann—you're right, I've got a master's in psychology and am currently going for my doctorate. I try to get the details right, since that's a pet peeve of mine when stories don't, so I'm glad to hear from a fellow professional that I'm doing a good job with it.

Leentje—sorry for the delay, and I hope you like this update.

Melanie39—I agree with you about Caleb. He can be very tough in business, but he obviously loves his daughters a lot, so there has to be a heart beneath that stony exterior, even if he doesn't wear it on his sleeve.

HateToSayIToldYouSo—okay, Caleb hugging is weird enough to think about except if it's Kirsten or maybe Hailey, but Caleb crying is just scary, although I'm sure if they ever did have that on the show I might feel different. One of the things I love about the actors on the O.C. is that they can take what could be very unsympathetic characters and give them a very human side. Especially Melinda Clarke. I can never decide whether I hate or love Julie.

Elzed—I can't say how flattered I am that you like my story. You're one of my absolute favorite authors on this site, and it's a heady experience to hear you say you're enjoying reading this.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ryan slept badly the night before Caleb's birthday dinner, tossing and turning for a good three hours before falling into an uneasy sleep. He was repeatedly jerked awake by nightmares he couldn't remember, and by seven he gave up and went out for a walk on the beach, leaving a note for the Cohens so they wouldn't worry if they woke up and found his room empty. He walked for three miles along the almost-deserted beach, and when he finally returned to the house around ten, he felt calmer about facing the rest of the day.

Julie and Caleb arrived at five till seven that evening, bringing a bottle of what Ryan assumed was some exclusive and expensive brand of wine. He shrunk back as the Cohens greeted their guests, hoping vainly that Julie wouldn't notice him, or at least, that she wouldn't make a scene in front of everyone. He hadn't seen her since the funeral, and she looked thin and tired. He realized how upset she must be about Marissa, and he almost felt sorry for her, but then Julie caught his eye and gave him a piercing look. Ryan ducked behind Sandy, mentally planning to stick close to him for the evening. Sandy wasn't much fonder of Julie than Ryan was, and he wouldn't let Julie say anything harsh to him.

"Julie, I'm so glad you could make it," Kirsten greeted her stepmother, taking her coat and handing it to Sandy. "How are you holding up?"

Julie sighed. "There are good days and there are not so good days. I still find it hard to believe that she's not just at college."

Ryan felt Sandy's hand clutch his shoulder, and was grateful for the support.

"I can't even imagine experiencing a loss like yours," Kirsten continued. "I've said it before, but if there's anything Sandy or I can do, please don't hesitate to let us know."

Julie managed a smile. "Thank you," she replied, her eyes locking with Ryan's.

Sandy clapped his hands. "I don't know about everyone else, but I'm starved. Is dinner ready, sweetheart?"

Ryan allowed himself to relax a bit as everyone moved to the dining table. The dinner conversation consisted mostly of Caleb and Kirsten discussing the new housing development project that the Newport Group was developing, while Sandy and Seth reminisced about Berkeley. Ryan stayed mostly silent, picking at his food and doing his best to avoid Julie's gaze from across the table.

He couldn't do this. He wasn't ready to face Julie Cooper, or to sit around while everyone talked about what a tragedy Marissa's death was, and what a promising life she had ahead of her. All he wanted was for the evening to be over so he could retire to his room and be alone with his guilt.

Everyone convened in the living room after dinner was over. Ryan was about to join Seth on the couch when he felt someone tap his arm.

Julie was smiling, but her eyes were ice cold. "Ryan? Can you help me get something from the car?"

Ryan swallowed. Sandy glanced at him, his bushy eyebrows drawn together, the expression in his eyes clearly asking if Ryan wanted him to intervene. He was tempted, but he couldn't hide behind the Cohens forever. They had done so much for him already, and they deserved at least one evening without having him involve them in his personal dramas. He gave a little shake of his head and followed Julie outside.

To his surprise, Julie reached into her purse and took out a cigarette. To his even greater surprise, she offered the pack to him. "Want one?"

Ryan shook his head. "I quit last year." Although, dammit, he could really use a smoke right now. "I didn't know you smoked."

"I'd quit too," Julie sighed. "Eighteen years ago, when I was pregnant with Marissa. I started again after she died. It seemed appropriate."

"I…um, I mean…" Ryan searched for a response and came up empty-handed. What could he possibly say?

"She'd decided on Columbia," Julie continued, not seeming to notice him at all. "She was really looking forward to living in New York."

Talking about Marissa with Julie Cooper was more than Ryan could bear. He hadn't talked about graduation night with anyone, not his therapist or the Cohens. Maybe someday he would be able to talk about it, but not with Julie. Not when she'd told him flat-out that he was responsible for her death. He knew Julie was grieving over the loss of her daughter, but did he have to be responsible for her too?

"Tell me, Ryan," Julie pleaded. "Did she say anything to you that night?"

Ryan swallowed. "Uh, not really."

"What do you mean, not really?" Julie asked quickly. "Did you talk to her?"

Shit. How was he going to get out of this one? "No," he lied.

He was a bad liar when forced to do so on the spot, and Julie's eyes narrowed. She obviously knew he was hiding something from her.

"Tell me, Ryan," she began, her voice as sweet as cotton candy. "I understand you had a little breakdown in Boston."

He was going to kill Caleb. Wait, no, not a good idea. It was Kirsten's fault for telling Caleb. But he couldn't be mad at Kirsten. Dammit, did everything in his life have to be so complicated?

"I'm just curious," Julie continued, in that horribly sweet tone. "Why is it that you weren't able to kill yourself when you were so effective at killing my daughter?"

He was going to be sick. He backed away from Julie and slipped inside through the front door, bolting past the living room and upstairs to his bathroom where he watched the little food he'd eaten at dinner come back up again. He flushed the toilet and rinsed his mouth out before locking his bedroom door and climbing under the covers. He hadn't done this since he was a little boy in Chino, lying awake on hot summer nights trying not to listen to his parents fighting in the next room.

Ryan knew the Cohens would be worried about him, but he couldn't face anyone right now.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Sandy and Seth had both noticed Ryan's return and subsequent departure from where they were sitting on the sofa. Sandy moved to get up and follow him but quickly changed his mind and sat down again. On his second attempt, he got as far as the door to the kitchen before returning.

"Sandy, is everything all right?" Kirsten asked.

Sandy managed a smile. "Of course. I was just going to get more coffee."

"But you didn't bring your coffee cup with you," Caleb pointed out with a smirk.

Sandy glared at his father-in-law. "You're right. My mistake."

He sank back against the sofa cushions next to Seth, who was giving his father a wary look. "Dad, are you sure you're okay?"

Sandy sighed. "Yes. I think so. I don't know."

"I thought you promised Mom you weren't going to let Grandpa get to you," Seth teased. "I guess old habits die hard."

Sandy had an idea. He had been debating over whether he should go upstairs to talk to Ryan or to give the boy some time alone first. He had been trying to give Ryan some more space as of late, as not to appear to be smothering him, but the kid had just gone outside to talk to Julie Cooper, which was enough to drive anyone crazy. "Hey, Seth, could you do me a favor?"

Seth grinned. "If I say yes, can I have an advance on my allowance for next month?"

"Seth." Sandy gave him a weary look. "Honestly, you sound more like your Aunt Hailey every day. I'd like you to go upstairs and check on Ryan. Just make sure he's okay."

"All right," Seth agreed, partly to get away from this rather tedious dinner party and partly because his dad had that tired, worried look on his face again that he'd had when they were all in Boston. "We can talk about my allowance later," he added in an attempt to lighten the situation a bit.

Sandy managed a small smile, which Seth was happy to see. "We'll see."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ryan's door was shut, which came as no great surprise to Seth. The guy had just had an encounter with Julie Cooper, of all people. Seth wouldn't have blamed him if he'd dug himself a hole and didn't come out for a week. He knocked on the door. "Hey, Ryan!"

No response. Okay, so Ryan was upset, but he underestimated Seth's persistence. "Come on, buddy, I know you're in there. And if you don't let me in, I'll be forced to go back downstairs and join the old folks, and you know you'd never inflict a fate like that on me."

There was a rustling sound from behind the door, and a few moments later it opened to reveal Ryan, who looked even more drawn and tired than Sandy had.

"That's more like it!" Seth enthused. "Mind if I hang here with you for awhile?"

Ryan sighed. "Seth, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather be alone right now."

"Come on, now," Seth coaxed. "Who wants to sit and brood all evening when he can have my company instead?"

"Not now, Seth," Ryan persisted. "Please."

Seth could tell from his tone that Ryan was serious, but he didn't seem able to stop himself. The resentment and anger he'd been suppressing since Boston was threatening to break through the surface. "I mean it, Ryan. Up and at them!"

"I said not now," Ryan repeated, a touch of annoyance creeping into his voice. "I'd like to be alone for right now."

"What's your problem?" Seth demanded, matching Ryan's irritated tone. "I'm going back to Berkeley tomorrow, it's not like we see each other every day anymore."

"My problem is that you won't leave me alone," Ryan answered back. "How many times do I have to ask?"

"Right, you want to be alone so you can feel sorry for yourself," Seth fired at him. "I hate to say it, but it's just a tad selfish, Ryan."

"Look who's talking!" Ryan shot back.

Seth held up his hands. "Hey, at least I never tried to kill myself! That's selfish, Ryan, any way you look at it. Have you seen Dad lately? You're tearing him apart. I saw him crying in Boston, Ryan, actually sobbing. And if you honestly think so little of him, and of Mom and me to think that your dying would mean nothing to us, then you're far more selfish than I ever was."

He stormed into his room and slammed the door. Ryan watched him go, started to slam his, then reconsidered and shut it quietly. He went into the bathroom and took his medications, washing them down with a glass of water. Sandy and Kirsten had only recently allowed him to take them himself, instead of having one of them give him the pills twice a day. He had a bottle of sleeping pills as well, to be taken as needed, and for a moment he toyed with the idea of taking the entire bottle. He rejected the idea quickly, though, it reminded him too much of Marissa's overdose in Tijuana, and besides, the last thing he wanted was to end up in the hospital again. He took three pills instead, strong enough to make him sleep for a good, long time. Without dreams. The last thing Ryan needed was another nightmare.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He slept soundly all night, and then fitfully until late the next afternoon. Seth's flight had been at eleven that morning, and Sandy had already returned from the airport by the time Ryan came downstairs. He put on a cheerful front and apologized for not having been up in time to say goodbye to Seth, but he'd been a bit overwhelmed last night and needed a good long night's sleep. He was feeling a lot better today.

Kirsten felt his forehead and insisted on taking his temperature, but seemed relieved when it was normal. Sandy offered, rather timidly, Ryan noticed, to play the ninja game with him. Ryan agreed, and as they played he shot quick glances at his foster father, noticing strands of gray near his temples and wondering if he had been responsible for them.

At night it was Sandy and Kirsten who went to bed early, leaving Ryan with the Playstation and his thoughts. He did his best to push them to the back of his mind, but the Seth of his thoughts, much like the real Seth, didn't like taking no for an answer.

_Have you seen Dad lately? You're tearing him apart!_

_You're far more selfish than I ever was._

Maybe a change of scene would help. He scribbled a quick note to the Cohens and rode his bike out to the beach where he sank down onto the sand and tried not to listen to the building howl of the voices inside his head.

"_Go get yourself killed for all I care! I'm through!"_

"_Hey, at least I never tried to kill myself!" _

_"Why is it that you weren't able to kill yourself when you were so effective at killing my daughter?"_

And then there were the images:

_The anger in Seth's eyes from the previous night. _

_Sandy's worried face, and his graying hair._

_Julie's cold gaze at the funeral as she told him she held him responsible for what had happened._

_The twisted, ugly expression on Marissa's face as she'd slapped him that night._

_Throwing the keys at her feet. _

_How overly cheerful Kirsten looked the first time she visited him in the hospital, matched with the worry and fear in her eyes._

_The razor blade in his hand, cutting a dark red line down his wrist._

Ryan was trembling as he rolled up his shirt sleeves and really looked at his wrists for the first time. The scars weren't a dark angry red anymore, but they still told a clear story of what he had done. They were ugly and he was ashamed of them, but they told the truth. And as he ran his finger lightly down his left wrist, tracing the scar, he realized that killing himself wouldn't make his problems go away. He had tried that already, and look what had happened. He had devastated the Cohens, the people he loved more than anyone in the world.

Caleb had been right. His last name might be Atwood, but he was still a Cohen, and whatever he did would affect not only him but also Sandy, Kirsten, and Seth.

The house was quiet when he got back, his note on the kitchen counter where he had left it. He crumpled it into a ball and threw it in the trash, then summoned his courage and walked upstairs past his room to the master bedroom at the end of the hall.

Kirsten was the one who opened the door when he knocked, with a squinty-eyed, rumpled-haired Sandy standing behind her, both Cohens wearing identical expressions of concern.

He was still trembling. "I need help," he whispered. "I don't want to hurt you anymore." He took a breath, and his last words were even softer. "I don't want to hurt myself anymore."

Kirsten immediately put her arms around him and drew him close, rocking him against her. Sandy wrapped his wife and foster son in an embrace, and for the first time Ryan felt truly safe, that he was going to be all right after all.


	15. 15

Author's Notes:

This story's in the home stretch now! I've got a number of loose ends to tie up, but I'd say another five or six chapters at the most. But I've got another story in the works after I'm done with this one, equally melodramatic but hopefully lighter on the angst. Although I think anything short of a nuclear warhead taking out Newport would be less angsty than this story.

Cheekymice--Hey, I know you! You were my first reviewer! Glad to see you're still following this beast of a story!

Leentje--well, I guess this update still took awhile, but it was less than three weeks! Maybe I'll get back to posting at least twice a week at some point.

Christina--I think it's actually good that I don't own the show, because I'm rather obsessed with angst and there wouldn't be as many of those hilarious little exchanges that I love so. I'd be perfectly happy just owning Ryan and, um, having my own fun with him.

I-luv-the-oc-and-smallville--I haven't actually decided what I'm going to do with Julie, but she'll definitely be making another appearance before this story's through.

Meggy--Thanks for your flattering comments. Sorry about there being no Summer, but I wasn't sure if I could write for any more characters in this story. I guess she's away at college somewhere like Seth is. I love her, though, she's a great character.

Melanie39--You've got a point about Sandy being more likely to follow Ryan and eavesdrop on his conversation with Julie. I didn't do that for two reasons--Sandy and Kirsten don't know about Julie blaming Ryan for Marissa's death, and doing that now would require a lot of plot revisions in future chapters. I hope it wasn't too out of character for Sandy.

Elzed--Officially starting the serious healing now. Ryan's reached his turning point and now he's starting the rebuilding process. I tried to make Julie pure evil, but I couldn't help feeling sorry for her too.

Amanda0485--Thanks for your comments, and I'm glad you like this so far.

60schic--I love Seth dearly, but he can be a bit full of himself at times. And I'm glad you liked the parenting moment--those are my favorite parts of the show, and we haven't seen many of them this season.

Ann--I've always thought that Julie was a very unhappy person. She tends to take it out on the people around her, as opposed to on herself. I was going to make her an evil villainess when I started this story, but I can't help feeling a little sorry for her. As long as she's not taking it out on Ryan, which unfortunately, isn't very often.

HateToSayIToldYouSo--Glad you're back! I have a feeling I'd like Julie more often if she didn't do stupid thoughtless things. It's annoying me that Jimmy seems to have forgiven her for throwing him over when he lost his money last season. And she's the reason Luke left Newport! I miss that boy!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ryan sank into his usual chair in Brad's office, nervous but determined to finally start talking about what was on his mind. He had skimmed over Marissa's death and his subsequent depression in his first three weeks of therapy, without getting in depth about any of it. Brad hadn't pressed him, which he hadn't really understood, although he had been grateful for it. But now he was determined to start talking, and he realized that his therapist had been right. It was easier to open up to someone when you were allowed to do it in your own time.

"Hi, Ryan," Brad greeted him. "How are things?"

Ryan took a deep breath. "I know Sandy told you about what happened this weekend. I want to tell you my side of it."

Brad nodded, and waited for the boy to start. There was something different about Ryan today, nothing obvious, but different nonetheless. He had always sensed a certain sense of fragility in the teen, held firmly in control in a desperate grasp. The fragility and desperation were still there, but they were out in the open now, clearly written on Ryan's face and in his eyes.

"My parents drank ever since I can remember," Ryan began. "But my mom never was an alcoholic until after my dad went to prison. I used to come home from school and find her passed out on the couch, and I would either try to wake her up so I could put her to bed, or if I couldn't, I'd put a blanket over her and start cleaning the mess from the night before. My dad had told me to look after my mom while he was gone. I knew it was my responsibility to be the good kid and take care of everyone."

Brad nodded. "That's a lot of responsibility for a kid."

Ryan shrugged. "It was who I was. The last time I saw my mom, before she left me at the Cohens, she said she'd gotten so mad at me for stealing that car because I was always the good one. She never expected anything from Trey.

"Everything's so messed up now. It's like when Marissa died, I took over her self-destructive behaviors. I was supposed to look after her, and I'd screwed up and didn't know how to fix it. There was no way to fix it."

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" Brad asked.

"I guess, yeah," Ryan admitted. "I thought it would even things out. I'd failed to save Marissa's life so I needed to give up mine. I tried so hard to protect the Cohens. I waited until I was in Boston so I could be sure that none of them would be the ones to find me. I didn't want to do that to them.

"Although as it turned out, I did plenty to them. I can tell that Sandy and Kirsten are afraid to leave me alone. Seth's beyond pissed at me, and Sandy's starting to go gray. I wanted to protect them and I ended up letting them down in the worst way possible. They've done everything for me, and this is how I repay them."

Ryan swiped furiously at a tear that was sliding down his nose. Brad nudged a box of Kleenex toward him.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," Ryan finished. "I fuck up everything I do, even when I'm sure I'm doing the right thing. Seth yelled at me last weekend for being selfish and not thinking about how much I was hurting him and his parents, and he was absolutely right. I don't understand why they haven't given up on me yet."

"Is that what people usually do when things get rough for you?" Brad asked gently.

"That's what everyone does," Ryan agreed. "My mom, my brother, my friends…Marissa broke up with me when she wouldn't believe me that a guy she was friends with was crazy. She said she couldn't deal with me anymore because she didn't trust me. Then she found out how crazy the guy really was and wanted to go right back to the way things were, as if she'd never said those things to me or abandoned me when everyone else had left already. Even the Cohens didn't believe me. I knew if I made one more wrong move I'd find myself back in the foster care system. Then Oliver goes nuts and I talk him down from shooting himself, and all everyone wants is to go back to normal."

"It must have made it hard for you to trust anyone," Brad suggested.

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Try impossible."

"Did you ever tell them this?" Brad asked.

Ryan shook his head. "Talking's not my strong point."

"How do you feel about doing a family session together?" Brad suggested. "When you're ready, that is."

Ryan gave him a skeptical look. "Do you really think that'll help anything?"

"Or else you could pretend nothing ever happened and go back to normal," Brad pointed out.

Ryan sighed. "I guess Sandy would enjoy it. Talking's his favorite thing to do. Seth's too."

"And what about Ryan?" Brad pressed.

Ryan groaned. "Ryan wouldn't enjoy it, but he would probably be happy he did it in the long run."

"There we go," Brad grinned. "How about we do this next week?"

"All right," Ryan gave in. "Let's get it over with."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kirsten left work early to pick Ryan up from his therapy appointment. Ordinarily she took him home and returned to the office to put in a few more hours worth of work, but today she informed her father that she would be taking the rest of the day off. Caleb had been surprisingly accommodating when she had informed him of her decision. She was glad to see that he was finally starting to acknowledge how important Ryan was to her family.

Ryan was waiting for her when she drove up to the office building where he saw his therapist twice a week. Kirsten thought that he seemed a little calmer these days, more trusting and open with her and Sandy. She didn't know what had happened the previous weekend, why Ryan had knocked on her bedroom door in the middle of the night, but whatever it was, she was grateful that he had been able to come to her and Sandy. She knew how difficult it was for Ryan to ask for help from anybody.

"Hi there," Kirsten greeted her blond-haired son as he climbed into the front seat. "How was therapy?"

"It was good," Ryan answered. He hesitated for a moment, then added "Brad wants to do a family session with all of us next week."

"Okay," Kirsten agreed immediately. "I'll clear my schedule."

"He said he'll call you and Sandy to set up a time," Ryan quickly added. "Whenever you're not busy."

"Ryan, nothing is more important than family," Kirsten told him. "We'll be there."

Ryan nodded and gave her a faint smile before falling silent. Kirsten decided to lighten the mood. "Hey, you hungry?"

"Um, I guess a little," he answered.

"How about for Mexican?" Kirsten added.

Ryan grinned, a real smile this time. "Starving."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

They kept the conversation light over dinner, discussing the monotony of staff meetings at the Newport Group and making fun of how it took Sandy at least ten times to be able to drive somewhere without getting lost. Ryan offered a story about going with Sandy to get the Rover's oil changed and ending up in Riverside, while Kirsten told him about how Sandy had gotten lost while taking her to the hospital while she was in labor with Seth, and how she had swatted him with the road atlas every time she had a contraction until he finally found his way to the emergency room.

"Good to know," Ryan laughed. "If I'm dangerously ill with pneumonia, don't ask Sandy to take me to the hospital."

Kirsten smiled back, glad to see Ryan enjoying a carefree moment. "Right. Ask me, ask Seth, ask my dad if you have to."

Ryan stopped laughing. "Yeah, okay."

"Is everything all right?" she asked, concerned by his abrupt shift in mood. "Did I say anything wrong?"

Ryan shook his head. "You didn't say anything. I just had a little argument with Seth this weekend, that's all."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kirsten asked gently.

He didn't, but he knew he needed to learn to accept help from the Cohens instead of struggling with everything himself. "It wasn't that big a deal," he began. "Actually, he was right about everything he said."

"Maybe so, but Seth isn't always the most tactful person," Kirsten replied. "Did he upset you?"

"I think he needed to," Ryan admitted. "He said I was being selfish for thinking that you guys would be better off without me. And he was right. I've been pretty thoughtless lately."

Kirsten reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "Ryan, you're one of the most thoughtful people I've ever known."

"Still, I'm sorry," Ryan insisted. "I know I've upset everyone lately."

"Ryan, all we care about is that you're safe and happy," Kirsten insisted. "You've been through a lot these last few months."

Ryan nodded slowly. "I guess I should tell Seth this too, shouldn't I?"

"I've got an idea," Kirsten suggested. "Why don't you take Friday off of work and spend the weekend with Seth at Berkeley?"

Ryan looked at her doubtfully. "Do you think he wants some time to cool off before he sees me?"

"I know Seth can be a bit stubborn at times," Kirsten answered, "but he has a big heart and he never stays mad long. I'll talk to him first if you want."

"I'd really like that," Ryan answered softly. "Thanks, Kirsten."

Kirsten smiled. "That's what moms are for."


	16. 16

Author's Notes:

Woo, quick update! I was inspired, plus I'm on vacation so I have a lot of time on my hands. Sorry about the lack of details about Berkeley, but I've only been there once, which was over three years ago, and all I remember was that it was really cool, that I ordered a calzone that turned out to be the size of a soccer ball, and being hit on by some guy while I was doing laundry at my friend's place. Now if this story took place in Chicago, I'd be able to offer a lot more details.

Leentje--This one's for you, an actual update that took less than two weeks!

Crashcmb--The family therapy session will likely be in the next chapter or two at the latest. I've got an idea of how it's going to play out but the characters have a tendency to hijack the story and run away with it, so I can't make any promises. ;)

Famous99--Acceptance was one of the very first OC fanfics that I read, and Downward Spiral completely sucked me into the world of OC fan fiction, so I'm very flattered to hear that you're enjoying this. I agree about not magically becoming a kid when you turn 18, since I had that birthday years ago and am still working on the whole being an adult bit.

Cheekymice--Thanks for your flattering words! I'll have to end this eventually, but I've got another story planned, so hopefully people will like that one as well.

Purse-fanatic--This chapter should answer your questions. J

HateToSayIToldYouSo--Glad you thought the therapy scene was realistic. I've studied psychology forever (well, for seven years, which feels like forever) but I haven't actually gotten to the part where I do therapy yet, so a lot of this is guesswork for me. And I seriously wish the writers would bring back Luke. It's not even like Chris Carmack is doing another TV series and would have a conflict. And I have a thing for golden retrievers. I'm normally attracted to dark-haired guys, but with the OC it's all about the Ryan-love and Luke-love. Damn Marissa, getting them both. So not fair.

Jen--Thanks for reviewing. It means a lot that people are reading and enjoying this.

Elzed--Totally agree about Ryan/Kirsten bonding. I love the relationship those two have, and I wish we got to see more of it on the show. And this is, um, two chapters in a row with lighter angst, a record for me!

Coolio02--Thanks for reviewing!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ryan's flight was getting in at quarter to five, so Seth skipped the last half of his Greek mythology class in order to take the subway out to the airport to meet him. He was happy and excited to see Ryan, of course, but he was also more than a little nervous. The last time he had seen his brother, things hadn't gone too well between them. There were a number of things unresolved between the two of them, and Seth had no idea how the weekend would play out.

His mom had called on Tuesday night to ask him if he had any plans for the weekend, and if he would be all right with Ryan coming to visit for a couple of days. Seth was a little hurt that Ryan hadn't been the one to call, but in a way it was easier. After all, as he had once told Ryan, Cohens were notorious for avoiding conflict.

"I found a flight where Ryan would get in to Oakland on Friday evening and come home Sunday afternoon," Kirsten had told her son. "Would that work for you?"

"Um," Seth began. "It would, but Ryan does know about this, right? You're not going to hand him his plane ticket on Friday morning and tell him he's spending the weekend with me, are you?"

Kirsten laughed. "Seth, don't you trust me?"

"Ryan and I aren't exactly on the best of terms right now," Seth tried to explain. "And I wouldn't put it past you and Dad to come up with this plan to get us to make up by sending him to Berkeley so we'd have to spend the weekend together."

"Ryan told me about what happened between you last weekend," Kirsten answered. "I know he feels bad about it."

Seth sighed. "How can you tell? He's not talking much? Lots of brooding silences? Cause, mom, that's not much different from normal Ryan behavior."

"I know because he told me," Kirsten replied. "We went out for Mexican after his therapy appointment on Tuesday, and he mentioned that the two of you had an argument Saturday night."

Seth's jaw dropped. "He told you that? Ryan actually talked to you about his feelings?"

"Surprising, huh?" Kirsten chuckled. "Ryan's been more open with your father and me lately. He's trying hard."

"Did he say anything else?" Seth asked slowly, not sure if he really wanted to hear his mother's answer.

"Seth, I really think you and Ryan need to talk," Kirsten urged her son. "I offered to ask you about his visiting this weekend because he was afraid that you were still mad at him, but I think he really wants to talk to you himself. He's just afraid. You know how Ryan is."

"Okay," Seth agreed. "Tell Ryan I'll see him at the airport on Friday."

Ryan wasn't the only scared one, Seth thought as he waited by the security checkpoint, where the passengers from Ryan's flight were due to come out any moment. Part of him hoped that by agreeing to this visit, Ryan would know that he was sorry for what he had said last Saturday and that everything would be normal with them again for the weekend. He knew that if he pretended as if nothing had happened, Ryan would most likely go along with it and they would have an awesome weekend. After all, that was how it usually went when they had a disagreement.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe that was the reason Ryan hadn't been able to trust them enough.

People were beginning to emerge from the security checkpoint. Seth scanned the crowd for several minutes, looking for Ryan. He was one of the last ones to appear, and Seth wondered if that was because Ryan had been sitting at the back of the plane or because he was nervous about seeing Seth again.

"Hey! Ryan!" he shouted. "Over here!"

Ryan's eyes met Seth's, and he hesitated for a brief moment. Then a big grin spread across his face and he shuffled over to his brother. "Hey. Thanks for coming."

"Of course I came," Seth grinned. "As much as it tore me apart to miss the joys of the Greek gods, my loyalties to my family come first. Although I have to apologize for the fact that we have to take the subway back to Berkeley. Be a pal and mention to the parents that I really need a car, will you?"

Ryan laughed. "You haven't changed at all, have you?"

"Not so much," Seth answered. It felt really good to have Ryan teasing him again. "We're going to have an awesome weekend. Some guys at the dorm know about this party that's going on tomorrow night, and they said they could get us in. And you've got to try this amazing Thai place. We'll go there for dinner tonight, or maybe we could go to the place that has the huge calzones tonight and go for Thai tomorrow, or if you're up for it we could have Thai when we get back to campus and go for calzones a couple hours later…"

"Yeah, you haven't changed much," Ryan agreed. "Except for one thing."

Seth raised an eyebrow in an eerie resemblance to Sandy. "And what is that?"

Ryan looked embarrassed. "Just that you seem happier. You really love Berkeley, don't you?"

"I've been wanting to come back here since I was six," Seth agreed. "Just wait, Ryan, once you've experienced the awesomeness of Berkeley you can never go back to Newport Beach. Plus, the girls are way hotter."

"You'll have to give me the tour, then," Ryan suggested. "After all, I need to start thinking about where I want to go to college if I want to get my applications in for next year."

Seth grinned. "It looks like I have forty-eight hours to sell you on Berkeley."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

After a lengthy discussion, they ended up staying in and ordering Thai. Seth's roommate was away for the weekend; he had a girlfriend in Sacramento, Seth explained, and spent most weekends at her place. But a number of guys stopped by the room to talk to Seth and say hi to Ryan, and Ryan was surprised at how many friends Seth seemed to have. They seemed like good guys, maybe a little on the dorky side, but nice nonetheless.

"I'm telling you, Ry, you'd love Berkeley" Seth insisted. "The girls are gorgeous, the people are way more real than the Newport pod people, and you can get the best pizza on campus delivered to you at four in the morning. It's incredible."

Ryan laughed. "And what about the academics?"

"Come on, Ryan," Seth argued. "It's a great school. Besides, no one goes to college for the classes."

Ryan grinned. "I'll think about it. I really will."

"God, that would be so great if you were here," Seth enthused. "We could get an apartment right near campus, and I bet Mom and Dad would buy us a car if we begged hard enough. It would be good times, Ryan."

"You mean if you begged hard enough," Ryan teased.

"Fair enough," Seth agreed. A silence fell as Ryan returned his attention to his food, attempting to scoop up his noodles with chopsticks with minimal success. "Hey, Ryan? Mom probably told you this already, but I'm sorry about what happened last weekend."

Ryan shook his head. "You shouldn't be sorry. You didn't say anything that wasn't true."

"I didn't have to be a jerk about it," Seth insisted.

"You were right," Ryan argued. "You were right and I needed to hear what y said. I was being selfish and totally unfair to you guys. Coming to Newport was the best thing that ever happened to me. I guess I'm still learning how to depend on other people for a change."

"Just…" Seth sighed. "We don't have to get all mushy here, do we?"

Ryan shook his head. "Not at all."

"Just remember that things would really suck without you," Seth finished. "For all of us."

Ryan knew what Seth was trying to say. "I will," he agreed. "Um, I know you've got school and all, and you've already missed the first week, but my therapist wants to have a family session on Tuesday, and…" He broke off, struggling with his usual reluctance to ask anything from the Cohens, but forced himself to continue. "If you could make it, it would mean a lot."

"I'll be there," Seth promised. "Besides, Tuesdays are my English class. Totally boring. Count me in."

Ryan laughed. "Are there any classes you don't find boring?"

"World history," Seth nodded. "The TA is a goddess."

Ryan snickered and tossed a chunk of beef at him with his chopsticks. Seth retaliated with noodles, and two minutes later they were both wearing more food than they had eaten.

"This is great!" Seth enthused. "We can change and go out for calzones!"

Ryan shook his head, but he couldn't keep from smiling. Same old Seth, he thought. I hope he never changes.


	17. 17

Author's Notes:

Leentje--This chapter took three days instead of two, but still a pretty quick update for me. Hope you like!

Famous99--Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you thought I wrote that Ryan/Seth scene convincingly, because I was a bit intimidated when I started writing for Seth. Which I guess is part of the reason he's spent a good chunk of this story up at Berkeley.

Elzed--This isn't quite as light as previous chapters, but still a lot of healing going on. And I promise that things won't come crashing down. Ryan's still got a few bumps to get through before the end, but nothing compared to previous chapters.

Cheekymice--Glad you liked the bonding! Seth's a lot of fun to write now that I've gotten the hang of him. Brooding monologues are probably my favorite things to write, which is why I enjoy writing for Ryan so much, but random babblings are fun too. ;)

Christina--Thanks for your review. This upcoming chapter is the family therapy scene, so you don't have to wait for it. ;) I hope it doesn't disappoint!

Melanie39--Glad you liked chapters 15 and 16. I felt like I had to give Ryan some fun and relaxation, considering what I've done to the poor boy in this story. I think he's earned it!

HateToSayIToldYouSo--I was planning on begging/cajoling/demanding an update of your story, but you've already updated so I don't have to! Yay! I don't have a basement, just a studio that's the perfect size for me and my cat but doesn't have much in terms of storage space. So I'd have to keep Ryan in my bed, which…okay, sounds just as creepy, but I'm sure that pretty much everyone who is reading this would do the exact same thing.

Please forgive any errors, it's entirely too late at night/early in the morning and I need to sleep.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

Five minutes into the family therapy session, the Cohens had spoken a total of ten words, give or take a few. It was a rare sight, seeing Seth and Sandy at a loss for words, and part of Ryan wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the fact that he was the most comfortable one out of all of them. "Geez, guys," he joked. "I thought you were supposed to be the experts at talking."

"I don't know what to say," Seth protested. "We talked already. We're cool. What's the point of bringing it up again?"

"Family sessions are never easy," Brad agreed. "But there are obviously a lot of unresolved emotions and issues surrounding what's happened. This is more than just about Ryan."

"I'll give it a shot," Sandy sighed. "I suppose what's been hardest for me was having no idea anything was wrong. I thought Ryan was just a little depressed over what happened to Marissa. I keep feeling like I missed some sign, something that could have told me what was really going on."

"It wasn't your fault," Ryan protested. "I was trying to protect you. I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"You weren't trying to hurt anyone?" Seth jumped in. "You thought killing yourself wouldn't hurt us? Ryan, that's just stupid."

"Seth, don't," Kirsten pleaded.

Ryan shook his head. "Seth's right. It was stupid and selfish of me. I wasn't thinking."

"I don't understand why you didn't feel like you could come talk to us," Kirsten added softly. "I know we got off to a bumpy start, Ryan, but was that why? I know I wasn't too welcoming when you first came to stay with us. Is that why you tried to hurt yourself like that?"

Ryan stared at her in astonishment. He had no idea that Kirsten had felt that way. "Kirsten, no, you've been great. All of you."

"But we failed you somewhere," Sandy persisted. "Why didn't you come to us, Ryan?"

Ryan bit his lip and cast a nervous glance in Brad's direction. His therapist nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. "I guess because…because I thought I was too screwed up, that you'd give up on me."

"Ryan, dude, the first summer you were here, you beat up half the water polo team, we snuck out to a party and got the Rover trashed, oh, and we told Mom and Dad we were going to a comic convention and went to Tijuana instead," Seth argued. "How much worse can you get?"

"I knew you didn't go to IMAX!" Kirsten exclaimed.

"Shit," Seth swore. "I mean, sorry. But, Mom, considering that was over two years ago, hasn't the statute of limitations run out? It would seem rather silly to punish Ryan and me for something that happened so long ago."

"I know I've been a lot of trouble," Ryan insisted. "I was always getting into fights or getting suspended or some other kind of difficulty. I didn't want to do anything else to you."

"How could you think that?" Sandy demanded. "Did you honestly believe we'd rather have you dead than help you through this?"

Ryan shook his head as he looked down and tried not to cry. "I don't know. It made sense at the time."

"Lay off him, Dad," Seth intervened. "Ryan's already heard that speech from me."

"This is what I didn't want to happen!" Ryan shouted. "I didn't want you to be upset and hurt because I didn't tell you! I didn't want to fuck things up like I always do! I never would have done it if I hadn't honestly believed I was going to die!"

Kirsten began to cry softly as she furiously wiped her cheeks. She didn't want Ryan to see how upset she was. It would be yet another thing for him to feel guilty over. But what his words had wounded her to the bone. "Ryan, we love you," she pleaded. "What do we have to do to make you believe us?"

"Everyone in my life has abandoned me when things got rough," Ryan continued. "My mom. Trey. Marissa. Even you abandoned me when Oliver was going crazy. You thought I was just a jealous boyfriend or a screwed up kid. Weren't you wondering why you'd taken me in? Didn't you think you'd made a mistake?"

Sandy winced. "I was wrong, Ryan."

"But you never told me that!" Ryan shouted at him. "You never believed me until Oliver almost blew his head off in front of us! And after all that, the next day you're arguing about Valentine's Day and pretending like it never happened!"

Sandy rested his forehead in his palms. "Ryan, you're right. I wish I could take back everything about that time. We failed you--I failed you--and I'm sorry."

"I've always been afraid that someday I would get in trouble one time too many, and I'd end up in a group home or somewhere," Ryan finished in a shaky voice. "When things are too good to be true, they usually are. At least, they are for me."

"Ryan, you're our son," Kirsten added softly. "We would never abandon you any more than we would Seth."

"I'm sorry," Ryan whispered. "I've screwed everything up again."

"Ryan, were you listening to what Mom said?" Seth argued. "Of course you do stupid things. It's practically a requirement for being a Cohen. I know you didn't have the greatest family, but Mom and Dad are pretty tolerant of stupid mistakes. After all, they raised me for eighteen years."

"Ryan, we're always going to be here for you," Sandy added. "But it goes both ways. You have to let us know when things are wrong before we can help you."

"I know," Ryan admitted. "I've been working on that. I really have."

"Of course you have," Kirsten agreed. "Sandy and I know how hard it is for you."

"And me too," Seth interrupted. "I know Atwoods are more inclined to brooding than to babbling."

"Which is perfectly okay," Kirsten said with a smile. "Between Sandy and Seth I almost forget what silence sounds like."

"You guys have done everything for me," Ryan mused softly. "If it wasn't for you I'd be in jail, or at best, working some minimum wage job in Chino. You saved my life when you took me in. And now you've saved it again."

"This goes both ways as well, Ryan," Sandy added. "I couldn't even begin to describe how you've changed our lives."

"It sucked without you here," Seth grinned. "Seriously."

"Just…don't give up on me," Ryan pleaded. "All I want is to make you proud of me and glad you took me in."

Sandy got up and walked over to Ryan's chair, putting his arm around the boy's shoulders and wiping away a lone tear that was sliding down his cheek. "We always have been, Ryan."


	18. 18

Author's notes:

So I have a question for everyone who's been following this story. I've just got one more chapter after this one, followed by an epilogue, and I can't decide what to write next. The two options I was considering were:

A Kandy-in-college story, lighter on the angst ,or

Another Cohens plus one story, with more of a Sandy-focus and heavier angst.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Feeling better was a gradual process, Ryan discovered. It wasn't like you had one pivotal moment and everything was sunshine and rainbows from then on. If he looked at it from day to day, it would seem minimal at best. But after awhile he stopped looking so much, and focused instead on his work in therapy, and opening up to Sandy and Kirsten instead of keeping everything to himself. The changes were gradual, true, but they became more obvious over time. It became less of an ordeal to get up every day. He began to look forward to his early morning surfing sessions with Sandy. He started to think ahead to the future, and about what he wanted to do the next year.

Ryan thought about it for a week or so, did a little research on Seth's computer, and brought it up at dinner one night. "Can I ask you guys something?"

Sandy laughed. "Ryan Atwood, initiating conversation? I never thought I'd see the day."

Kirsten gave him a warning glance, but Ryan didn't mind. He liked that Sandy felt comfortable teasing him again, that the Cohens could act normally around him and not act like he was about to break.

"I just thought that I should start getting my college applications in if I want to apply for next year," Ryan continued. "And I was wondering if you could help me."

"Of course we can," Kirsten hastened to assure him. "Where were you thinking about applying?"

"That's the thing," Ryan answered uneasily. "I really liked Berkeley when I was there to visit Seth, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Maybe I'd be better off applying to UCLA and transferring later."

"What do you mean, better off?" Sandy asked.

Ryan looked embarrassed. "I don't want Seth to feel like he's responsible for looking after me, that's all."

Sandy hid a smirk. He loved Seth, but his son wasn't what he'd call very other-centric.

"I understand what you're saying," Kirsten told him, "but Sandy and I know how hard you've been working in therapy, Ryan, and from what I've seen, you seem to be doing a lot better. What do you think?"

"I think I'm doing better too," Ryan admitted. "I guess I could always apply to UCLA and Berkeley and see how I'm doing by summer."

"And we're always going to be here for you, no matter where you go," Sandy added. "You can't get rid of us that easily."

Ryan laughed. Sandy allowed himself a moment of pleasure at seeing his son so relaxed. Even before everything had happened, he couldn't remember Ryan being so open with him or Kirsten. It made him feel that there might be a silver lining to everything he and his family had been through. It had been a long, difficult road but if they all ended up in a better place, then Sandy figured that it would have been worth it.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kirsten was in her office when Ryan knocked on the door precisely at noon. They were going to go for lunch together, and then she would take him to his therapy appointment with Brad.

She smiled broadly when she saw Ryan standing in the doorway. "Ryan, come in. I just need to go drop off these figures at accounting, and we'll go."

Ryan settled down in a chair to wait. He picked up a magazine and flipped idly through it. He hoped Kirsten wouldn't be long--he was starving.

"Well, now. Fancy seeing you here." Ryan looked up from his magazine to meet the cool gaze of Julie Cooper-Nichol.

Shit. She hadn't been seen at the Newport Group for ages, and now here he was alone with her in Kirsten's office. This would make for an interesting therapy session this afternoon.

"Don't you look respectable?" Julie continued in that frosty tone. "I must say, you've cleaned up nicely for Chino trash."

Ryan glared at her and bit his lip to keep from replying. The Chino trash remark bothered him more than he liked to admit, especially since it brought back memories of his last conversation with Marissa.

Julie sank into the chair across from him. Ryan cast a desperate glance at the doorway, wishing that someone would come and save him from this awkward and less-than-enjoyable conversation.

"It's rather ironic, don't you think?" Julie asked. "You kill my daughter, and then my husband gives you a job. If you think you're going to profit from what you did to Marissa, you have another thought coming."

Ryan found his voice. "I didn't kill Marissa."

Julie raised one eyebrow in an amused expression. "You didn't? Marissa was perfectly happy before you showed up in Newport. Her problems didn't start until after she met you."

"Then you didn't know her," Ryan told her, matching her chilly gaze.

Julie laughed. "And you did?"

He had a sense he was fighting a losing battle, but he forced himself to continue. It looked like those months of therapy were doing some good after all. "Marissa had a lot of problems. You know that. What happened wasn't anyone's fault."

Julie's face softened for a moment, then froze back into its original icy expression. "Regardless of what you might think, Marissa would be here today if it wasn't for you. You were the one who should have died that night, and I will never forgive you for that."

"That's enough, Julie." Ryan turned to the doorway and saw with relief that Kirsten was standing there, matching glares with Julie. "I'm not going to allow you to talk to Ryan that way."

"Kirsten…" Julie looked shaken for the first time. "I didn't see you there."

Kirsten crossed the room and stood behind Ryan's chair, placing her hands on his shoulders in a protective gesture. "Julie, as one mother to another, I empathize with your pain. I'm sorry about Marissa. But I'm not going to allow you to take it out on my son."

"Your son?" Julie appeared confused. "I didn't say anything about Seth."

"I'm talking about Ryan," Kirsten continued, her tone frosty. "Taking away my child won't bring yours back."

Julie's gaze fell and Ryan saw her face crumple before she turned away and buried her face in her hands. He felt sorry for her in spite of himself. She had been mean and downright bitchy to him, but she was honestly grieving for her daughter. As hard as he tried, Ryan couldn't find it in himself to hate her.

He spotted a Kleenex box on the desk and grabbed it as he got to his feet, walking over to Julie and holding it out to her. "I know you miss her," he offered. "I miss her too."

Julie sniffed as she took a Kleenex and blew her nose. "I must have been the worst mother in the world if she was that unhappy."

"No, you weren't," Kirsten told her. "Parents can't make their children's problems go away, as much as we wish we could."

"Look at me," Ryan offered. "I put Sandy and Kirsten through hell, but that doesn't mean they're bad parents. I wouldn't have made it without them."

"I know it's hard, Julie," Kirsten added. "But it can get easier if you let your friends help you."

Julie took another Kleenex and dabbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry, Ryan."

"I know." He couldn't say it was okay, because it wasn't. One apology wouldn't make the hurt and pain go away. Julie Cooper was like her daughter that way. But he knew what she was trying to do, and he appreciated it all the same. "And I really am sorry about Marissa."

"Thank you," Julie whispered. She gave him a shaky smile and Ryan felt that maybe he could forgive her after all. In time. It would take him time and therapy to get over the hurtful words and accusations, but it would happen eventually.

Julie left the office, and Kirsten put her arm around Ryan's shoulders. "I'm so proud of you," she told him. "I know how hard that must have been for you."

Helooked shyly at her. "Thanks for backing me up. And for everything else."

Kirsten laughed. "Well, if you can face Julie Cooper, I should think you'll be fine at Berkeley."

Ryan returned her smile. "I think so too."


	19. 19

Author's Notes:

Well, here it is, the last chapter. There will be a brief epilogue to finish this story, but after that comes a new project. Thanks to everyone for their feedback-it was mixed on which story I should write next, so I've decided to start both and try to keep up with them. The Kandy-in-college story will likely be first, since I've had the idea in my head for months now and have pretty much worked out the details, but once I've mapped out the Sandy-angst one I'll start that one too.

Thanks to all my reviewers for their words of encouragement and for making this story such a great experience for me. I've met a lot of great people and had a lot of fun. I hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

_It was cloudy and gray the day of the funeral, with an occasional rumbling threat of thunder. Ryan stood with the Cohens in his suit, remembering the first time he'd worn it to the Newport fashion show, the weekend he'd met Marissa. She had seemed so confident and sure of herself, a fairy tale princess who lived a life that would always be out of his reach._

_She had been the Newport debutante while he had been the car thief from Chino, and yet she was the one being lowered into the ground today. He knew that Marissa still had feelings for him through high school, but the Oliver incident had broken the trust he'd had in her, and after he'd come back from Chino the following fall, her life had begun to spiral out of control. He still cared about her and he still wanted to help her, but he knew that that he couldn't save her, that she would only drag him down with her as she drowned. _

_ Ryan had occasionally thought that her drinking and recklessness would catch up to her, and he had to admit that it wasn't a shock that she had died in a drunk driving accident. But the part he hadn't anticipated, the part that was eating his insides with guilt, was that he had given her that final shove. Go ahead and kill yourself, he had told her._

_That's exactly what Marissa had done._

_He watched from what felt like a thousand miles away as the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. No one would ever know about his last words with her, but he would know. And he was more than capable of punishing himself for them._

_Ryan came out of his trance as the gathering began to disperse. He looked around for the Cohens, but they seemed to have wandered off. He wished they hadn't-he could have used their support right now, even just their presence. Ryan walked over to the grave and looked down to Marissa's final resting place. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "This is all my fault."_

_"Very good, Ryan," a cold voice answered from behind him. "You're smarter than I thought you were."_

_Ryan swallowed and slowly turned around. He expected to see Julie Cooper, and his heart stopped as he saw that the words had been spoken by Kirsten._

_"Don't look so surprised, Ryan," she told him icily. "I'm certainly not. I always knew that you were trouble, and I was right. Just look what you've done to that poor girl."_

_"How could you, Ryan?" Sandy joined in, entering the picture and putting his arm around his wife. "How could you do this, after everything we've done for you?"_

_"I called you my brother!" Seth added, his forehead wrinkled in disgust. "I was really stupid, huh?"_

_Ryan tried to speak, but the words refused to come out. He backed away slowly, wanting to get as far away as possible from the Cohens and their disappointed stares, Kirsten's icy stare and Seth's look of scorn. But it was Sandy's expression of sadness that was breaking his heart. He took another step back, and the ground disappeared from beneath him._

_He was falling down into the grave, the three Cohens staring down at him, their faces becoming smaller as he fell farther and farther with no end in sight._

Ryan woke with his cry still echoing in his ears. He was drenched in sweat, and his face was streaked in tears. He was still crying, and in spite of his best efforts he couldn't find a way to stop. He turned his face into his pillow to muffle his sobs, his tears falling onto his already-damp pillowcase.

He heard footsteps in the hall, and his door creak open as someone entered his room and sat down beside him on the mattress. There was a hand on his shoulder, and he felt himself lifted up and into a Sandy Cohen bear hug. There was a part of him that still wanted to pull away, that didn't want Sandy to see him like this. But there was a much greater part that was too tired to fight anymore, that didn't want to be so damned independent and needed to accept the comfort that the Cohens had always been ready to give him.

_Sandy felt the boy tense up against him. Ryan was trembling violently, and Sandy was afraid that he might start hyperventilating. "It's okay," he whispered, brushing back Ryan's damp hair with one hand. "It's all right."_

Ryan shook his head. "It's not all right. It can never be all right."

"What do you mean?" Sandy persisted.

Ryan drew a deep breath and tried to stop shaking. "Julie Cooper was right. I killed Marissa."

Kirsten had told him about what had happened at the office that day. Sandy could have shaken the woman for saying those things to his son. "Ryan, what happened to Marissa wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It's sad, but blaming yourself won't bring her back."

Ryan pulled away and looked up at Sandy, his eyes filled with torment. "You don't understand. I knew she was drunk that night, and I let her drive anyhow."

Sandy's heart broke for the boy. He couldn't begin to imagine the guilt that Ryan had been carrying around all these months. "I didn't know that, Ryan. I'm sorry."

"I threw her keys at her and I told her to go ahead and kill herself," Ryan finished, his voice a hoarse whisper. "And that's the last time I ever saw her."

There was a look of fear in Ryan's eyes, and Sandy knew that he was waiting for his reaction. "It wasn't your fault," he repeated slowly, staring into Ryan's eyes. "Do you understand?"

"I could have saved her," Ryan insisted.

"Ryan, I know what it's like to watch someone you care about try to destroy themselves," Sandy began, his own voice beginning to shake a little. "I know how frightening that can be, and as much as you want to rush in and save them, solve all their problems for them, you just don't have that power. All you can do is be there for them and hope that they make that choice to ask you for help. Marissa didn't make that choice, but I'm hoping that you will."

"I'm sorry," Ryan whispered, his head dropping down. "I'm so sorry, Sandy."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Sandy insisted. "And if I could go back to that day when I brought you to Newport, I would do it all over again without a second thought. Kirsten and I are so proud of you, Ryan. Seth loves you like a brother. And none of us regrets a single moment of the time you've spent with us."

Ryan's eyes met Sandy's. "I was afraid that if you knew the truth about what happened, you would be disappointed in me."

"No." Sandy shook his head. "I'm so proud of you, Ryan. You've brought so much to our lives, and it's an honor to have you as my son."

"Thank you," Ryan whispered, offering him a shaky smile, and his body seemed to relax a little. Sandy held him until he'd stopped trembling, and tucked him back into bed. He knew he would probably never get the chance to do this with Ryan again, to take care of him like he was a little boy. But that was okay, because Ryan was growing up, and Sandy finally felt sure that he would be all right.

Ryan yawned and pulled the blankets over his shoulders. Sandy rumpled his hair. "Goodnight, Ryan. I'll stay here until you fall asleep, okay?"

Ryan nodded. When he spoke, his voice was so soft Sandy could barely hear it. "Love you."

There was a lump in Sandy's throat. "Love you too, Ryan."

Sandy settled into a chair beside the bed and watched as his son fell asleep. Ryan was going to be just fine.


End file.
